Humor

Best New Jokes: September 30, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

“Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar.” – Julius Caesar


THE RETORT

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist, he noticed that she was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replies, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”


Did you ever wonder? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out”?


Did you ever wonder? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


OIL SHORTAGE

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there’s a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Alaska, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc.

All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.


Did you ever wonder? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed?


Did you ever wonder? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool?
Lane?


A STRANGE CASE TO SOLVE

There was a case in one hospital’s Intensive Care Ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery… as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

A Worldwide team of experts assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Most held wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11… Bubba Johnson, the part-time Sunday janitor, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system, and plugged in his vacuum cleaner.


Did you ever wonder? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?



CHURCH HUMOR

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.”


Did you ever wonder? Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?



THIS MONTH’S BEST LAWYER JOKE

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, a huge crowd cheers and shouts his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says, “Congratulations, son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you!”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the attorney sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life. I loved my family. I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive.”

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The lawyer is stunned and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I lived my life in eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”


Did you ever wonder? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


PUNS OF THE WEAK

The president of Amtrak has resigned. The news was something the train company is not used to. An early departure. (Alan Ray)

Martha Stewart is being investigated for insider trading. She is busy working on new decorating tips. How to make a garden out of an ordinary rock pile. (Alan Ray)

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young are on tour again. You can tell the band has aged. Their groupies still get them drugs. But now there’s a $10 copay. (Gag-O-Matic)

Hootie Johnson has proven to be Masters prophet. 10 years ago, he predicted that if a person of color was admitted to membership at Augusta, women would demand to be members as well. (Stan Kegel)


Did you ever wonder? When you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window. Hmmmm.


LORENA BOBBITT’S SISTER ARRESTED

API – Clearwater Florida — Lorena Bobbitt’s sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition.

Luella has been charged with one count of a misdewiener.

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