Humor

Best New Jokes: September 30, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

GOOD FOR SOMETHING

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. The crew searched for days and couldn’t find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and, finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband, dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000.00. Please advise.

The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl, re-bait the trap.


OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE

A blonde walked into a library and said, “Can I have a burger and fries?”

The librarian said, “Sorry, this is a library.”

So the blonde whispered, “Can I have a burger and fries?”


JUST FOR WOMEN

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. – Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. – Janette Barber

Who ever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. – Jan King

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. – Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. – Carrie Snow

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. – Erma Brombeck

The phrase “working mother” is redundant. Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. · Caryn Leschen

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird

Behind every successful woman…is a substantial amount of coffee. -Stephanie Piro


YOU HAVE JUST RECEIVED THE POLISH VIRUS.

As we don’t have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.



IRISH LASS

There is this young Irish girl who emigrated to Liverpool, and, like many other young Irish girls, had trouble finding gainful employment.

So she goes on the streets and becomes a prostitute, and is extremely successful at it. She makes lots of money, and regularly sends some back home to her dear old mother back in County Tyrone.

Well, after a few years she decides it’s time to go home and pay her dear old mother a visit. But, on the boat on the way over she get very concerned about what she’ll tell her mother about her new career.

Eventually she decides there’s no point in lying about it and that she’ll tell her mother the truth, and throw herself on her mercy.

So . . . . she arrives back home in the little village in County Tyrone, and her dear old mother is just overcome to see her again. Ah darlin’ its just wonderful to see you again, and lookin’ so nice an all.

And sendin’ me all this money all this time. Tell me, darlin what have you been doin to earn all this money?

So our heroine stands up straight and faces her mother; “Well mother, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I became a prostitute!”

Mother goes white, clutches at her breast, and collapses in a heap on the floor. Everyone fusses over her, gives her smelling salts (which have very little effect) and a couple of shots of John Jamieson’s, (which have a wonderfully reviving effect almost instantaneously) . She staggers back on her feet, and faces her daughter again. “Tell me again darlin I want to hear you say it again, so I cant be sure I heard you right.” The girl says: “Yes mother, I said that I became a prostitute!.” The old girl heaves a huge sigh of relief, wipes the sweat from her brow and says: “Ah Jasus – tank the Lord for that. I tought for a minute there I heard you say you’d become a Protestant!”


JUST A COINCIDENCE?

I
don’t THINK so.

1. MENtal illness
2. MENstrual cramps
3. MENtal breakdown
4. MENopause

Ever notice how most of women’s problems start with Men?



THE DEAD HORSE

T
he tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern corporate America and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

01. Buying a stronger whip.

02. Changing riders.

03. Threatening the horse with termination.

04. Appointing a committee to study the horse.


AND FINALLY, JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT AUSTRALIA HAD IT ALL TOGETHER…

Australia‘s Bizarre Laws

In Victoria, it is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.

In Victoria, only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.

It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.

Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.

In Victoria, you must have a neck to knee swimsuit in order to swim at Brighton Beach.

In Tasmania, until the Port Arthur Killings it was legal to own an AK-47 but not legal to be gay.

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