Humor

Best New Jokes: September 27, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
It’s neither here nor there. Then where is it?


SPEAKING ENGLISH

English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world’s languages, perhaps as many as two million words, and has generated one of the noblest bodies of literature in the annals of the human race. Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact that English is a crazy language — the most loopy and wiggy of all tongues.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why does a man get a hernia and a woman a hysterectomy?

Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private mess?

Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we put print on it, we call it a newspaper?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

Why — in our crazy language — can your nose run and your feet smell?


Why do they call them apartments when they’re all together?


WORDS OF WISDOM

1. The early bird still has to eat worms.

2. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

3. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

4. Don’t argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

5. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?

6. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

7. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that’s what he said.

8. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

9. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

10. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


Why do we call them buildings, when they’re already built?


Why is phonetic not spelled phonetically?


MORON OF THE WEEK

Kevin Barnes, 20, made a pipe bomb with gunpowder from fireworks. Apparently trying to shock his friends as well as his girlfriend in his flat in Daventry, Northamptonshire, England. Barnes stuck the bomb in his mouth and repeatedly flicked his lighter near the fuse.

The coroner ruled the death accidental.

His girlfriend’s parents ruled the death “significantly preferable to marrying our daughter.


Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?


THE RULES OF GOLF AS SEEN AT A LOCAL COURSE

  1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  2. Form a loose grip.
  3. Keep your head down.
  4. Avoid a quick back swing.
  5. Stay out of the water.
  6. Try not to hit anyone.
  7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
  8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
  9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.
  10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Now, flush the urinal, go outside and tee off!!!!


Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is?


THE AMERICAN CORPORATION         

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water
Talks with God.

PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

VICE PRESIDENT
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury.
Swims well.
Talks to animals.

MANAGER
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by a locomotive.
Is not issued ammunition.
Dog paddles.
Talks to walls.

SUPERVISOR
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times.
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Can’t stay afloat without a life preserver.
Mumbles to himself.

SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
She is God.


Why is there no synonym for synonym or thesaurus?


ANIMAL SPEAK

A ventriloquist cowboy walks by and sees an Indian sitting near his teepee.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, how’s it going?

Dog: Doin’ all right.

Indian: [Extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How’s he treating you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how’s it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How’s he treating you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep lie!


If olive oil is made from olives, what do they make baby oil from?


WHAT A NICE GUY!

“I’m a cold-hearted bitch and I want his money,” Dorothy Maree, 38, of Vancouver, B.C., Canada, told an undercover Australian police officer when she tried to hire him as a hitman to kill her husband Gerry, 51.

Gerry has previously been hospitalized twice after suspected poisonings of sleeping pills or rat poison. “She obviously made some wrong decisions, got in with the wrong crowd,” Gerry told an Australian judge, “but that’s in the past.”

‘He asked that charges be dropped so they could reconcile and return to Canada. The judge refused, even though Gerry testified that he has changed his will to disinherit his wife.


If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?


MEN KNOW

Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is a naked woman.

That PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.

That if she looks like your mother, run.

That there are three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

Never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

How to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

That from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

That a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

That there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

That it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

That men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.


Why is it that a woman can be a vision, but not a sight ?


WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

  • I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life… (Inside card) -I’ve changed my mind.
  • I must admit, you brought religion into my life…. (Inside card) -I never believed in Hell until I met you.
  • As the days go by, I think how lucky I am…. (Inside card) -That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
  • Congratulations on your wedding day!… (Inside card) -Too bad no one likes your husband.
  • Someday I hope to marry… (Inside card) -Someone other than you.
  • Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…. (Inside card) -Almost lifelike!
  • When we were together, you said you’d die for me… (Inside card) -Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.
  • We’ve been friends for a very long time… (Inside card) -What do you say we stop?
  • I’m so miserable without you… (Inside card) -It’s almost like you’re still here.
  • Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…. (Inside card) -Did you ever find out who the father was?
  • You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket… (Inside card) -I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.
  • Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)
  • Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder… (Inside card) -What was I thinking?


If button and unbutton and tie and untie are opposites, why are loosen and unloosen and ravel and unravel the same?

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