Humor

Best New Jokes: September 13, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

PRICELESS

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table and there is his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it’s in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there IS a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks,”Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well Dad, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious! Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door!”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean,
with breakfast on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

A self-induced hangover – $100

Broken furniture – $200

Breakfast – $10

Saying the right thing – PRICELESS


He is a self-made man and he worships his creator


DIRE WARNINGS

This morning — from a cave somewhere in Pakistan — Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that, if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers.

If this dire action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next. It’s getting really ugly !


He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.


He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others


OPPS!

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”


He had delusions of adequacy.


RECKLESS DRIVING

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab……… I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”


He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.


WOMAN DRIVER

A State Police officer was sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.

He sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide open and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding. But you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she says.

“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!,” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken. They haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”


He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.


CLASSES FOR MEN AT A NEARBY LEARNING CENTER

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays,
Step by Step instructions, with Slide Presentation.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll: Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.

Class 3
It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes: Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.

Class 6L
Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things:Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Class 8
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
Live Testimonials.

Class 10
It is PossibleTo Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks.
Driving Simulations.

Class 11
Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion:
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. .

Class 13
Fighting Cerebral Atrophy:
Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven: What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.


SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday
morning.

He said “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out “CROSS.”

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,”THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

The pastor hollered out “GRACE.”
The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said “POWER”

The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD”.

The Pastor said “SEX”

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing
“PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”


I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.


SEXUAL RELATIONS

An elderly couple were sitting together watching television. During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long,thoughtful silence, the wife replied,during the next commercial, “You know, I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.”


His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss feeling very sorry for her says, “Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.”

“Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying. “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” he asks.

“No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!”


Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

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