Best New Jokes: September 1, 2000



Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked,
“What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.

“Oh,” said Hillary, “who’s clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved indicating that she
never told a lie.”

“Who’s clock is that?”

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us
that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Bill’s clock?” Hillary asked.

“Bill’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Equal Time…


“If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and
principles, come and join this campaign.” Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000.

“We ought to make the pie higher.” South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb.
15, 2000

“Will the highways on the Internet become more few?” Concord, N.H., Jan. 29,

“This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It’s what you do
when you run for president. You gotta preserve.” Speaking during
“Perseverance Month” at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As
quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000.

“If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I’m sure I’ll have a statement.”
Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

“Keep good relations with the Grecians.” Quoted in the Economist, June 12,

“It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.” From a 1994
interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio

Q. What do you give a man who has everything?

A. Antibiotics


A man asked the Lord about women.

“Lord, why did you make women so beautiful?” The answer came, “So you would
look at them.”

Again the man asked, “Lord, why did you make women so lovely?” The reply
came down, “So you would love them.”

The man asked one more question. “Lord, why did you make women so dumb?” The
Lord said, “So they would love you.”


Times have changed. Years ago, when 100 white men chased one black man, we
called them the Ku Klux Klan. Today, we call them the PGA Tour.


A woman was admiring herself in the mirror when her husband walked in. “What
are you doing? he asked.

“I’m admiring my body. The Doctor said I have the body of a 20-year-old.”

“Did he happen to say anything about your 40-year-old ass?” he retorted.

“No, dear,” she replied, “your name never came up!”


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked
on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank
agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the
Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow

The blonde replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks
“Where else can I park for two weeks for only 15 bucks?”


Ah, yes, divorce……., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s
genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” Sean

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines.
They don’t know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the
general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over
there? They say you look fat in those uniforms,” Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. Elizabeth Taylor

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and
just give her a house. Rod Stewart

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams


Tyler was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that
only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately
needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if
he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be
quick. Five minutes later Tyler returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted.

The teacher sat Tyler down and drew him a little diagram to where he should
go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Tyler looked at the
diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way. Well, five minutes later he
returned to the class room and says to the teacher, “I can’t find it.”
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a
while, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Tyler go together and
five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher
asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?”

Tommy is quick with his reply, “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on



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