Humor

Best New Jokes: October 7, 2007

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon Ill hear old winters song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall


AT THE BAR

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says “Old Timer’s Bar — ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!”

They look at each other, then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you, what’ll it be, Gentlemen?”

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis — and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish
their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 more cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn’t stand it any longer and asks the bartender, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?”

“Here’s my story. I’m a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”

“Wow. That’s quite a story!” says one of the men. The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re seniors from Florida, they’re waiting for happy hour!”


What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.


MENSA WISE ONES

Mensa is an organization for people with an IQ of 140 or higher.

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker…”

“Oh,” the waitress interrupted. “Sorry about that.” She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.


What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato..


OOPPPSSS!

Joe checked into a hotel on a business trip and was
a bit lonely so he thought he’d get one of those girls advertised in the phone books under “Escorts and Massages”.

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself “Erotica,” a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up.

So Joe picks up his room phone and gives her a call.

“Hello?” a woman says. Wow, she sounded sexy…….

“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.. Now,how does that sound?”

The woman answers, “That sounds fantastic; but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9.”


Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.


OH YEAH?

Jim was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Betty Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Betty Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said.  “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later Jim as watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, “What in the world was that for?”

She replied ……… “Your horse just called!”


Like a prune, you are not getting any better looking,
but you are getting sweeter.


THREE WISHES
 
A bear was chasing a bunny rabbit, when it stumbled over a bottle. A genie popped out of the opened bottle and said, “You are the first animals that I have seen in 10,000 years. I’m going to give each of you three wishes.”
 
The bear went first “I wish that all the bears in this forest were girls, except me.”

The bunny went second “I wish I had a helmet.”
 
The bear went again “I wish that all the bears, in this State, were girls,except me.”

The bunny asked for a motorcycle.
 
The bear wished that all the bears in the world were girls, except him.
 
The bunny’s final wish was “I wish this bear was gay,” and then rode away.  


If a man is alone while he rakes leaves, and he speaks,
and there is no woman to hear him,
is he still wrong?


A TRIFECTA OF AUTUMN JOKES

WIN

AUTUMN FACTOIDS

You Just Thought You Knew Everything:

A  dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.  

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a  life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.  

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A  shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can  sleep for three years.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used  furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the  Lincoln  Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the  peach family.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with  their feet

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters  “mt”.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have  a Full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been  domesticated.

If the population of China  walked past you, in single file,
the line would never end because of the  rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole  life,
you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.  

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine  is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the  English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.

On  a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying
over the  Parliament  Building  is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,  
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the  ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.  

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The  Bible does not say there were three wise men;
it only says there were  three gifts.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches
for each  gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a  researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his  pocket.

The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”  uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that  Niagara  Falls  froze completely solid.

The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are  the same
whether they are read left to right or right to left  
(palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.  

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are  only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous,  horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the  English language that have all five vowels In order: “abstemious” and  “facetious.”

There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables  Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.  

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a  ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.  

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;  Otherwise it will digest itself.


Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if
green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.


PLACE

AFTER TAXES

A little boy wanted a $100 badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those buttholes deducted $95 in taxes.


What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut?
Chrysanthemummies.


SHOW

HOSPITAL CHARTS

(Taken from actual hospital charts.)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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