Humor

Best New Jokes: October 29, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


To: Albert Gore Dear Al: We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over? Sincerely, George


INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then………..

…..you are probably a dog.


THE MAKEOVER

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8-days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had a hairdresser come in and give her a permanent and a color rinse. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a truck. Arriving in front of God, she asked, ” I thought you said I had another 40 years to live. Why didn’t you pull me from the path of that truck?” God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”


WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

It’s an incentive to show up. It leads to more honest communications. It reduces complaints about low pay. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. It encourages car pooling. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care. It makes fellow employees look better. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. You can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.


PIGS DO FLY!

The UK fought the Islamic terrorist attacks by burying the criminals with a pig. Apparently the Islamic belief is that if one’s body is buried with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul will go to hell.

This got us thinking … If we put a baby pig on every airline flight, then all kamikaze terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want their souls to go to hell. Additionally, if we drop-shipped, oh say, 100,000 pigs into Afghanistan, I think our recon and assault efforts may be more successful. (Although it seems unfair to the pigs)….


RACIAL PROFILING

A Jew walks into a bar, and spots a Chinaman at a table nearby. He strides right up and drops him to the floor with a right cross. “What the hell was that for?” asks the groggy oriental from the floor. “Pearl Harbor,” replies the Jew. “That was the JAPanese,” pleads the slope. “I’m CHInese!” “Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, what’s the difference?” replies the assailant. The Chinaman recovers, finds a beer bottle on a nearby table, and smashes it over the Jewish fellow’s head. “That was for the Titanic,” he screams as the other fellow hits the floor like a sack of rocks. “The Titanic? That was sunk by an iceberg!” “Iceberg, Greenberg, Goldberg,” says the Chinese, “they’re all the same to me.”


WALK AND CHEW GUM

God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?” Adam says, “Tell me the good news first. “God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. You’ll derive from these, great pleasure and great intellect.” Adam replies, “Wonderful! But what’s the bad news?” God says, “I’m only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time.”

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