Humor

Best New Jokes: October 25, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN?

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

“Those of my faith,” said the minister, “believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat.”

“We take a different view,” said the priest. “We believe life starts at the moment of conception.”

“Well,” said the rabbi, “it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies.”


Love is what happens to men and women who don’t know each other.


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-husbands/wives live.


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


DOES FLUE VACCINE CURE GRUMPINESS?

Blame it on the flu vaccine shortage. Senior men are getting loopier every day. AARP says the cause is male menopause. Frank thinks it’s the gazillion political ads we’ve been forced to endure.


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


EXERCISING FOR THE UNEXERCISABLE

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!


Only dead fish swim with the stream.


WAR IS HELL

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.

“Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. I hid her in my attic.

The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, my son.”

“It’s worse, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.”

“You were both in great danger. Two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.”

“And what is that, my son?”

“When should I tell her the war is over?


I never knew what happiness was until I got married…….. And by then …… It was too late !!


LADIES, WARN ALL YOUR FRIENDS   

This is a true story. It may have happened to you!

I know you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Whilst that was an “urban legend,” this one is not. It’s happening every day. I’m sending this warning to all of my closest friends. You, too, may have been a victim. Read on.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal.

Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spend the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, any place where female limbs might be exposed. I became obsessed I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turned to bumps in the night.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new butt, although it was badly attached. It was three inches lower than the original to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.

A year later, it was my breasts. Once full, yet perky, they now lay like bags of water on my chest, no longer proudly pointing forward to greet the world, but looking down at my feet, as though hanging in shame.

Two years ago, I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. Bat wings!! And I didn’t even see the Bat Signal! This was really getting scary!!!

My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my t-shirts. What could they do to me next?

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning.

That’s why I’ve decided to share my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee!

That isn’t really “plastic” those surgeons are using. You know where they’re getting those replacement parts, don’t you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face “lifted,” look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and butt raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star?

I think I finally may have found my thighs, and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is NOT a hoax! This is happening every night to women in every town all across the world. Warn your FRIENDS!


You know you’re getting old when you order stewed prunes and the waiter say, “excellent choice!”


POWER OF PRAYER

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.”

Poof! ! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


A solicitous husband is a person who is interested in his wife’s happiness and hires a detective to find out who’s responsible for it.


POLISH EYE TEST

A Pole goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card, with the letters C Z W X N Q S T A C Z printed on it.

“Can you read this?” he asks.

“Read it?” the Pole replies, “I know the guy!”


Why do they lock gas station restrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


PLAYING CHURCH

After a hardy West Virginia rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
 
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
 
“Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!” she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
 
“We were just playing ‘church’ mommy” he said.
 
“I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.


You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already.

I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he’d think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she’s blonde..it’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I’m doing

“Shh,” I said, “I’m acting crazy to get a few days off. I’m a light bulb.” A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. “I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed. “You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going. “I can’t work in the dark,” she said.


A little boy asked his father, “daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “i don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

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