Humor

Best New Jokes: October 18, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

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A pastor was making his rounds at the hospital to see his church members and visit and have prayer with them while they were in the hospital. He went to see an older woman of the church who was having all of her teeth pulled for dentures. He found her and they seemed to have lots to talk about.

Her room was cozy, it had a bowl of peanuts on the table next to her bed and a chair for the pastor to sit and visit in. They talked for a while, the pastor ate a few of her peanuts. They talked a little longer and he ate some more peanuts. Finally, the visit came to a close and he bowed his head to pray for her. Afterwards he took another hand full of peanuts and ate them.

He apologized for eating so many of her peanuts and promised to visit her tomorrow at her home. He said he would bring her more peanuts to replace all that he had eaten.

With her lips all puckered from her lack of teeth, she tells the pastor, “Thawts, OK Pastwor, Is Just suck the Chwocklate off of them anyways.”


ENGLISH LETTER

A English minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “FOOL”.

The next Sunday he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.”


AMISH WEDDING NIGHT

An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their wedding night.

The man went to the front desk, asking for a room. He told the clerk that it was their honeymoon, and they wanted a very nice room.

The clerk winked and asked, “Do you want the Bridal?”

The Amish fellow thought about it for a moment, then replied, “No I guess not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”


GRANDKIDS DO MAKE SENSE. AT LEAST TO GOD.

  • Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing in there now. Amanda
  • Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
  • Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.  Janet
  • Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don’t let me be Hoffy – because I hate him. Li’l H
  • God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
  • Dear God, When did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
  • Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
  • Dear God, I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

PROOF POSITIVE

The U.S. has three hurricane warning centers – Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI.

All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes.

Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!


TOP 10 POLITE WAYS TO SAY “YOUR ZIPPER IS DOWN” — LETTERMAN

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars…..but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped…..

1. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”.


HOW TRUE IS THIS?

Two men are driving through, New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”

The cop answers, “You’re in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.” The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.”

The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that jerk would’ve tried that crap with me!'”


THERE’S A LESSON HERE

She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to the woman and asks, “What’s wrong?”

She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”

In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!

Her money was refunded


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”

The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those ‘dumb blonde’ jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied,” and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

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