Humor

Best New Jokes: October 12, 2008

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Guess Who Cartoon

INSURANCE

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch
at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked “Martha,
you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?”

The other little old lady sat and rocked
for a minute and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”

Old Lady on Top Cartoon

BEACH BUM

Martha and Betty were at lunch in their
Senior Living facility. Martha turns to Betty and asks, “Do you still
get horny?”

Betty replies, “Oh sure I do.”

Martha asks, “What do you do about
it?”

Betty replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, Martha asks, “Who
drives you to the beach?”

Hold My Calls Cartoon

AT THE HOTEL

It was three o’clock in the morning, and
the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old
lady comes running towards her screaming. “Please come quickly!”
she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushes up
to the old lady’s room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to
an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see
a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably
a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And
how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed
the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”

MySpace Cartoon

MAKING LOVE

An older couple decides to retire for the
evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but
his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk.

She says, “You know, when we were
courting, you liked to hold my hand”.

Wearily, he reaches across and holds her
hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she says, “After
that, you used to kiss me softly”.

Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives
her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night.

Thirty seconds later she says, “Then
after that, you used to bite me lightly on my neck”.

Angrily, he throws back the bed covers
and gets out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asks.

“To get my teeth!”

Midlife Cartoon

BUS RIDE

A senior citizen’s group charters a bus
from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly
woman comes up to the driver and says “I’ve just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep
and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes
forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think
he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those
old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady
comes up and says that she’d been molested too. The bus driver decides
that he’d had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns
the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees
crawling in the aisles.

“Hey gramps, what are you doing down
there?” says the bus driver.

“I lost my toupee. I thought I found
it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away.”

Viagra Cartoon

AT THE MUSEUM

Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated
during their tour.

When they finally catch-up with each other,
the first old lady says, “Gertrude, did you see the statue of that
naked man back there?”

Gertrude replies, “Yes, I was absolutely
shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private
parts being so large!”

“I know”, says her friend, “And
cold, too!”

Saggy Boob Cartoon

VISITING THE GRANDCHILDREN

An elderly couple decides to go and visit
their grandson living in California.

The grandfather while shaving one day,
notices a bottle of Viagra in his grandson’s medicine cabinet.

That evening after dinner, the grandfather
explains to his grandson, about finding the bottle of Viagra, and how
for a long time, wanted to test the drug out for himself.

The grandson was hesitate about giving
him the drug, especially not knowing what type of reaction or side-affect
it could have on his elderly grandfather. So he tried to make up different
excuses why he shouldn’t test the drug, which made no difference to the
old man, since his mind was made up.

Finally he says, “Besides gramps,
those pills cost $8.00 a piece”.

“I don’t care”, says the old
man, “I want to try it”

With that, the grandson hands the old man
one powerful blue pill.

The next day after work, the grandson finds
$108.00 dollars lying on his bed. Curious, he goes and asks his grandfather
why he left so much money.

The old man explains, “I didn’t, I
only left $8.00. The $100.00 is from your grandmother.

Sperm Cartoon

FORE

In the early days of mixed play, an English
couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to
tee off.
 
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over
to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.

“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any
knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough
housekeeping money to afford to buy any!”
 
The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake
of St. Paul, here’s  pounds 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
 
Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
 
“Bejesus woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?” She replies, “I
can’t afford any on the money you give me!”
 
He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Patrick,
here’s 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”
 
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
 
“Hoot mon woman! Why d’ye have nae knickers?” She too explains,
“You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!”
 
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Andrew,
lass, here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit.”

Barbie at 50 Cartoon

THERE IS A LESSON HERE

I was so happy.  My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year,
and we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every
way, my friends encouraged me.  And my girlfriend?  She was
a dream!

There was only one thing bothering
me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman,
smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with
me, which made me feel quite uncomfortable.

One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.  So I went. 

She was alone when I arrived.
As we looked at the invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so enticingly.
I could not help but notice through her sheer blouse that she was wearing
no bra. Her breasts were magnificent, to say the least.

She whispered to me, that
soon I was going to be married, and that she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn’t overcome. She went on to indicate that before
I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make
love to me just for once. She pointed out that no one would be home for
at least three hours.

I was in total shock, and
I couldn’t say anything.

So, she said, I’ll go upstairs
to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

I stood there for a moment,
watching her go slowly up the stairs in her formfitting miniskirt.  I
then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped
out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside,
and with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and said, “We are very happy
and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for
a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” 

The moral of the story: Always
keep your condoms in your car.

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.