Humor

Best New Jokes: October 11, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl,  to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see  while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The  paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and  asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she  had just  witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his butt again!”


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


DARK AGES

According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5765.

According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4702.

That means that for 1,063 years, the Jews went without Chinese food…

These were known as THE DARK AGES.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Get the last word in: Apologize.


MORE PROOF: NEVER MESS WITH A WOMAN

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”. Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…. “


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?


PICK UP LINE, SENIOR STYLE

A refined, nicely dressed senior citizen gentleman goes into a bar. He sees an attractive grey haired lady sitting at the bar, so he takes the stool next to her and orders a drink for himself.

He then turns to the nice looking senior lady and asks, “So tell me, do I come into this bar often?”


If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”



MORE PROOF. DON’T MESS WITH A WOMEN. ESPECIALLY IN A BAR.
     

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

“Actually, no,” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.   

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


DUCKS

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this. Not wanting to be chained to an ugly man, she becomes VERY careful of where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?


NOT THE FARMER’S DAUGHTER

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the husband farmer says to her, “The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow’s stall. You show him where it is, okay?”

The farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, “This is the one. This one right here!”

Terribly impressed, the man asks, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?” “By the nail over it’s stall,” Amy explains.

Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”

As she walks away she replies, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”


Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


A REAL WOMAN

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ………One button at a time. ………No one moves. ………Everyone is transfixed. ………He removes his shirt. ………Muscles ripple across his chest. ……..She gasps…

He whispers, “Here ya go luv – iron this and then go get me a beer….”


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.


AND, OF COURSE, THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

Another plane is on its way to Detroit when a blond in economy class gets up and moves to the first-class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blond that she paid for economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blond replies, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit and I’m staying right here.

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in first-class that belongs in economy and she won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blond and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blond replies, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit and I’m staying right here.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting to arrest this blond woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blond? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blond. I speak blond.”

He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked what he said that made her move without any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Detroit!”


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


THIS WEEK’S BEST THOUGHT…

OLD AGE IS WHEN YOU CAN’T QUITE DECIDE WHETHER YOU’VE SAVED TOO LITTLE OR STAYED TOO LONG.

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