Humor

Best New Jokes: October 1, 2006

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

STUFF TO CONTEMPLATE…

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.


In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.


SHERLOCK HOLMES & STARGAZING

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

“Watson,” he says, “Look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.”

Watson replies, “I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

Holmes says: “Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!”


In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


MORE SIGNS OF THE TIMES…

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day… 24 beers in a case… coincidence? I think NOT!

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.


ENOUGH WITH THE CONTEMPLATION!

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for
you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.


In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.


SIGNS SEEN IN OUR TRAVELS

Friends don’t let friends
take home ugly men
Women’s restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men’s restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it
Women’s restroom
Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Remember, it’s not,
“How high are you?”
it’s “Hi, how are you?”
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia


In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


TOP 20 FUNNIEST SONG TITLES

1. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

2. There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ for You.

3. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye

4. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

5. I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

6. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now

7. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

8. Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond and She Clubbed Me with a Spade

9. If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?

10. Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

11. It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

12. I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

13. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

14. I Wouldn’t Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

15. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out

16. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life  

17. I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love

18. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here

19. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

20. C’mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You’re Too Old to Ride the Range


In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.


A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE JOKES

WIN:

THINKING OUTSIDE THE OLD BOX

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

  1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
  2. An old friend who once saved your life.
  3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

God, I just love happy endings.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for


PLACE:

SIGNING IN 

Jake was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language.

He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, Jake asked how he had learned to use sign language.

The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. Jake thought that was great.

A few minutes later Jake noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed, “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

Jake asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”


Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.


SHOW:

A ZEN MOMENT

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.


Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

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