Humor

Best New Jokes: November 5, 2006

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

DON’T NOT VOTE!!!

ASK YOUR CONGRESSMAN

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey…

“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.

This is my position, and I will not compromise!”


Don’t be afraid to see what you see.


A LETTER TO YOUR SENATOR

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 2051

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bills provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five years taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively?

This would yield an excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000. After the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000.

In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien such as free health care, avoidance of paying Social Security taxes, buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, Carolyn


What is the difference between the Republicans of Congress
and the Library of Congress?
At the Library of Congress, you aren’t allowed to lick the pages.


CAMPAIGN PROMISES

A U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. ” There is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

You will spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

He goes down, down, down to hell and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. All his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

The senator then visits heaven, joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity,” says St. Peter

The senator reflects for a minute. “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

He finds himself in the middle of a barren desert covered with waste and garbage, where all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

The  most terrifying words in the English language are:
I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

MANNA FROM HEAVEN?

Mysteriously, without applying for nor submitting any paperwork,
Homer started receiving a $500 check every month.

Without even questioning why, Homer started cashing them.

After a year of receiving $500 monthly, Homer received a notice to return the money. 

Hoping to receive advice not to repay this amount, Homer went to see his brother, a corporate lawyer.

His brother said “My God man, didn’t you ever wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?”

“Nope” he said, “I just figured the Democrats were back in power.”

I have wonder what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like  
if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. 

Government is like a baby:
An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end
and no sense of responsibility at the other.

A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE POLITICAL JOKES

WIN:

SOME OF OUR FAVORITE POLITICAL QUOTES

  • A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. Edward Abbey
  • Those who stand for nothing fall for anything Alexander Hamilton
  • The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. Winston Churchill
  • In America, anybody may become president, and I suppose it’s just one of the risks you take. Adlai Stevenson
  • Too bad 90 percent of the politicians give the other 10 percent a bad reputation. Henry Kissinger
  • The ballot is stronger than the bullet. Abraham Lincoln
  • In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes an act of rebellion.”George Orwell
  • Democracy is too good to share with just anybody. Nigel Rees
  • In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. Napoleon
  • A politician will do anything to keep his job – even become a patriot. William Randolph Hearst
  • Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
  • I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crises. The great point is to bring them the real facts. Abraham Lincoln
  • No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent. Abraham Lincoln
  • The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have little. Franklin D. Roosevelt’s Second Inaugural Address

Politics is not a bad profession.
If you succeed there are many rewards,
if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
.


PLACE:

OBSERVATIONS ON THE U.S. MID-TERM ELECTIONS

“It’s interesting. The president’s approval rating is at an all-time low, North Korea’s setting off bombs, Iraq is a mess, the Foley scandal keeps getting worst. Even the Democrats might not be able to blow this election.”
–Jay Leno

“The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first — a disaster they were actually prepared for.”
–Bill Maher

“This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

The  taxpayer: That’s someone who
works for the federal government
but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.

SHOW:

W’s TO DO LIST FOR 2008

10. Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.

9. Authorize new presidential anthem: “Hail to the Chad.”

8. Send message to Wheaties people: “Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box.”

7. Order copy of “Presidents for Dummies.”

6. Keep distance from Cheney…don’t want to catch heart disease.

5. Start mending fences with Democrats…appoint Gore “Secretary of Losers.”

4.
Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton.

3.
Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: “I have a dream…then I wake up.”

2.
As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.

1. Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out of race.


Government does not solve problems;
it subsidizes them.


PARTING SHOT
State Mottoes

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared

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