Humor

Best New Jokes: November 5, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3.You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


HAS THE TRAGEDY CHANGED YOUR LIFE? WILL IT?

We seniors, who have lived through The Depression, W.W.II, and a host of troubles and wars since then, suffer for the first time a failure of faith in the security of America. No wonder we’re gloomy and confused. Read about it in this week’s Suddenly Senior column by clicking


A NEW COMMANDMENT

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of President Clinton and Rep. Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh Commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new Commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh Commandment should be: “Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”


WE’LL MISS HIM

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.


SUNDAY KIND OF LOVE

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. ” Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!


David M. Bader has recently written a book entitled, Haikus for Jews. Here are a few examples of his poetry:

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I’ve done?

Five thousand years a
wandering people-then we
found the cabanas.

In the ice sculpture
reflected bar-mitzvah guests
nosh on chopped liver.

Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one’s child
is an internist.

In a stage whisper
a yenta confides the name
of her friend’s disease

The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
“Force yourself,” she chirps.


MORE HALLOWEEN HUMOR

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop glancing at her in the rear-view mirror. Finally, after several blocks, sister asks him why he is staring and he replies hesitantly, “I have something to tell you but I ‘m afraid of offending you.”

She answers, “My dear boy, you cannot offend me. When you’ve been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, it’s always been a…a fantasy of mine to have a nun kiss me. Like… like a girlfriend would kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. First you must be unmarried, and second you must be a practicing Catholic.”

The cab driver excitedly responds, “Yes, yes— I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

After a moment’s reflection, the nun says, “Well, all right. Pull into the next alley.” He does, and sister fulfills his fantasy— and it’s beyond his most fevered expectations.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear boy,” said the nun. “Why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess. I’m married— and I’m a Baptist!”

The nun says quietly, “There, there, it’s all right. I am on the way to a Halloween party and my name is Kevin.


THE RIGHT DAY FOR SEX

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have Sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter “T”….. An example of those days are: Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday Thunday


MAFIA APPLICATION FORM, TRICK-OR-TREAT

On October 31, I was visited by a small tot about seven years old. After answering the door he said “Brick or breat!”

I said “What?”

He repeated “Brick or breat!”

“I guess you meant Trick or Treat” I said.

He informed me “That’s what I said, Brick or Breat.”

Wanting to get my money’s worth, I said “What are you supposed to be?

He replied “I am a birate”

I said “What?”

He repeated “I am a birate”

Noting his costume, I said “You mean a pirate”

He said “That’s what I said I am, a birate”

Still trying to get my money’s worth, I asked “Where are your buccaneers?

He replied “THEY’RE UNDER MY BUCKING CAP!!”

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