Humor

Best New Jokes: November 3, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


GOOD ADVICE FROM LITTLE OLD LADIES

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!”

Silence fell upon the congregation.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: “Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!”


If God IS watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.


Few things in life are as satisfying as seeing your own children have teenagers.


ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACY

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

The Lord’s prayer: 66 words.

Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.


Why am I frowning? It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!



THIS WEEK’S MOST POPULAR STORY: CINDERELLA’S REGRET

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Billy Bob.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was overjoyed. “I wish I was extremely wealthy”, she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Billy Bob, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

“Oh thank you Fairy Godmother,” said Cinderella. “Is there anything else you might wish for?” asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had.” At once, her wish was granted.

Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, “you have one wish remaining, what shall you have? Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said,

“I wish you to turn Billy Bob, my old cat, into a handsome young man.”

Magically, Billy Bob suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke “Congratulations Cinderella.

Enjoy your new life,” and with that she was gone.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen. Billy Bob walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, “Bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.


MILITARY WISDOM, AND OTHER OXYMORONS

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.- US Marine Corps

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S.Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” – Gen. MacArthur

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever
volunteer to do anything.” -U. S Navy Swabbie

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” – USAF Ammo Troop


No one is listening until you fart.


CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.


Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.


TINY LETTERS TO GOD

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have? –Amy

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. –Larry

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. –Nan

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? –Lucy

Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? –Norma

Who draws the lines around the countries? –Jan

What does it mean, You are a jealous GOD? I thought You had everything. — Jane

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

If we come back as something–Please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. –Denise.

My brother is a rat! You should give him a tail. Ha ha! –Danny

You don’t have to worry about me. I always look both ways. –Dean

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. –Ruth M.

We read Thomas Edison made light!  But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. –Sincerely, Donna

I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. –Eugene


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde…

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
* She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
* She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde… * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


FOR THE LADIES…

He said….I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said…You wear pants don’t you?

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boy friends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says: “So you would love her.” “But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: “So she would love you.”


Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.


FOR THE GUYS…WHY MEN DIE FIRST

This is a question that has gone unanswered for  centuries…… but, now we know.    

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist.    

If you stay home and do the housework…you’re a pansy.    

If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her.  

 If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.    I

f she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation.    

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.    

If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism.    

If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s equal opportunity.    

If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment.    

If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.    

If you cry…………you’re a wimp.    

If you don’t……..you’re insensitive.    

If you make a decision without consulting her……… you’re a chauvinist.    

If she makes a decision without consulting you…… she’s a liberated woman.    

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy…….  that’s domination.  

If SHE asks you………it’s a favor.    

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear…… you’re a pervert.    

If you don’t…………..you’re gay.    

If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something.    

If you don’t………………..you’re not thoughtful.  

If she has a headache…………she’s tired.    

If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.    

Men die first because they want to.


Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

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