The Best New Jokes Every Week!
YOU KNOW YOU’RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN…
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different
5. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people.”
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey watch this.”
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen
start your engines.”
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
17. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
THE TOP 15 FLORIDA EXCUSES FOR HOLDING UP THE ELECTION
15. Dangerous Metamucil shortage caused by misunderstood TV reports of “many irregularities in Florida.”
14. Booths in Cuba stay open until Fidel says it’s time to close.
13. “Help! I’ve voted and I can’t get up!”
12. “Give us ‘Golden Girls: The Movie’, and you’ll get your damn President!”
11. “Aaaaaiiiieeeeeeee! There are ‘gators in the ballot box!!!”
10. Still waiting for Elian’s absentee ballot to be “rescued” from Donato’s closet.
9. Jeb Bush can’t decide whether to help his brother or pay him back for a lifetime of noogies.
8. Payback for all those jokes about being “America’s penis.”
7. Jimmy Johnson hair fumes *still* addling voters.
6. Easy Bush victory disrupted by unfortunate large number of easily-understood ballots.
5. Gore voters “confused” by ballot design need time to prepare snappy answers to the question, “And you accused BUSH of being stupid?!?”
3. Waiting for Walt’s head to thaw so he can cast the deciding vote.
2. Ballot inspectors are all stuck behind blue-haired drivers going 20 MPH in the wrong lane with a turn signal constantly on.
And the Number 1 Florida Excuse for Holding Up the Election…
1. “Hush up, now! Matlock’s on!!”
QUOTES FROM VISIONARY COMEDIAN STEVEN WRIGHT
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
95 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I intend to live forever — so far, so good.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
LOST . . . AND NEVER FOUND
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced the altitude and spotted a woman below He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman replied, “You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude,”
“You must be a republican,” said the balloonist. “I am,” said the woman. “How did you know?” “Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded. “You must be a democrat.”
“I am” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.
KISS ME, CODGER
An old man was rowing a boat on a lake when a frog swam up to him and yelled, “Mister! Mister! Im really a beautiful princess. Kiss me and well live happily ever after!” The old man put the frog in his pocket and rowed to shore. The frog called out again, “Hey, mister! Im really a gorgeous princess. Kiss me and well live happily ever after!”
Still the man said nothing and walked down the road toward town. The frog was getting angry at being ignored. “Why dont you kiss me? I told you Im really a beautiful princess.”
“Listen, lady,” the man replied. “Im 90 years old. At this point in my life Id rather have a talking frog.”
SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE…
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says “Sign here”, she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, “Look! They spelled Macy’s wrong!”.
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said “Concentrate”.
Why can’t blondes take coffee breaks? They’re too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
Why can’t blondes be pharmacists? Because they can’t figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What’s the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? “Toe goes in first”.
And the best one for last…
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? “OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds.
A LITTLE LOGIC
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn’t familiar with the lake,
the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance
anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff
in his boat.
He pulled up alongside her and said, “Good morning, Ma’am.
What are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replied…as she thought to herself,
Isn’t it obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her.
“But officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with rape,” snapped the irate
“But, I haven’t even touched you,” groused the sheriff.
“Yes, that’s true,” she replied, “But you do have all the equipment.”
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.
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