Humor

Best New Jokes: November 26, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THANKSGIVING TRIX

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

“Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares.


WHAT TO DO WITH BIN LADEN AND OTHER THOUGHTS ABOUT 9-11

You’ll find a fine tribute to the dead, some beautiful poetry and a touching Christian prayer. There’s a Canadian take on “America the Good.” Deepak Chopra’s hopes about 9-11, and a moving homage in motion and sound. All at Suddenly Senior this week.


A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.


RUDOLPHA AND BLITZENA

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.


To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.


THE TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THE THANKSGIVING BREAK

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball

09. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper

08. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jell-O

07. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper

06. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for only four days

05. To eat your meals the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall…in below freezing weather

04. Instead of listening to “when I first started teaching here…” you can be entertained by “when your mother was your age…” and “during the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have Brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!”

03. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave

02. You’ll know the hair in the shower drain is your own

And the number one reason college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving… (drum roll, please)

01. You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!


Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.


A LITTLE TURBIN HUMOR

What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common? Nothing, yet.

How do you play Taliban bingo? B-52…F-16…B-1…

What is the Taliban’s national bird? Duck

How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their Air Force.

What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

What’s the five-day forecast for Afghanistan? Two days.

Why doesn’t the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day? Because the camels can’t handle it.


Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?


POINT OF INTEREST

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79. My advice to you is to start drinking heavily and recycle.


Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”


MOM IS PREGNANT

When Little Johnny’s mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents’ private conversations.

One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. “Yes!” Johnny answered, “and I know what we are going to name it, too.

If it’s a girl we’re going to call her ‘Christina,’ and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it ‘Quits!'”


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?


THIS WEEK’S DUMB GUY JOKE

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that’s so homely looking, he hasn’t had a date in over a year, also, he’s sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.

So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, “Let’s have this last drink at my apartment.”

Taken aback by her request, the guy finally utters the word, “OK.”

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, “Before we go back to my apartment there’s one thing I have to tell you, I’m on my menstrual cycle.”

He says, …”That’s ok, I’ll follow you in my Honda


Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?


A BIT MORE THANKSGIVING HUMOR

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn’t sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep The leftovers beckoned — The dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation…… The thought of a snack became infatuation….. So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky…. With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees………………..

Happy Eating to All! Pass the Cranberries Please!

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