Humor

Best New Jokes: November 20, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Al & Tipper’s Halloween Adventure

Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were invited to a swanky, masked Halloween
Party. His wife got a terrible headache and told Al to go to the party
alone. Al, being a devoted husband, protested, but his wife argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no
need of his good time being spoiled due to her not going.

So Al took his costume and away he went.

Tipper, after sleeping soundly for an hour, awakened without pain, and
as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as Al did
not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by
watching Al to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted Al cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel
here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a
rather seductive babe herself, Al left his partner high and dry and

devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let Al go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally Al whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation Al would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when Al came in and she asked what kind of a
time he had.

Al said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

Al replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Larry Flint, Janet Reno and some other guys, so we went
into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you … I
loaned my costume to Bill and he told me he had a great time!”


TRUTH

Nader, Gore and Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun (if you believe
Nader ever has fun) and relaxation (if you believe Gore ever relaxes).

After a healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men’s room and found a
strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who said, “Welcome to the
gentleman’s room. Be sure to check out our latest feature: a mirror that, if
you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with a
wish. But be warned – if you say something false, you’ll be sucked into the
mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity.”

They entered, and on finding the mirror Nader said, “I think I’m the most
truthful of us three.” In an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money,
which I suppose he invested in tech stocks.

Gore stepped up and said, “I think I’m the most ambitious of us three.” and
he suddenly found the keys to a new Lexus in his hand, which he liked
because it looked better than the Veep’s car.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, Bush looked in the
mirror and said, “I think…” – and was promptly sucked into the void.


UP PLEASE

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t
never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what
it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde
woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son: “Boy, go git yo Momma….


BAPTISM

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get
anyone to play with them. They thought it was because they weren’t
baptized.

So they went to the nearest church, but only the custodian was there.

One said, “We’ve got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will
you baptize us?” So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked
them in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, “Now go out and play.”

When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, “What religion
are we? ” We’re not Catholic cause they pour the water on your head and
we’re not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body.”

The littlest one said, “I smelled that water and I know what we are ….
We’re Pisscopalians.


BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES EVER

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


DIAGNOSIS

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we
have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”

Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer
disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”

Mr. Smith: “That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?

Receptionist: “Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for
these expensive tests more than once.

Mr. Smith: “Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the
middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the”otherside.” That’s what “they” call it…the “other side.” Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
by chicken”? Could you define “chicken” please?

GEORGE W. BUSH: I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

AL GORE: I raised that chicken. In fact, I laid the egg…yep, sat on it
until it hatched. I fed it, nurtured it, cared for it when it was sick, sang
lullabies to it at night to help it sleep. “Look for, the union label…” As
a boy, that chicken inspired me. Yeah, he crossed the road….but only after
I made the road safe….hell, I made the road, and then I regulated it.
Won’t see any internal combustion engines on my road, no sirree bob. I made
this road for the little people, not the powerful…for the children….and
the chicken….yep, rolled up my sleeves and made that road. Why, if it
weren’t for me, that chicken would have never crossed the road. And the
children wouldn’t have that wonderful joke to tell. You know, of course, I
wrote that joke…

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!
The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX’S MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken,”Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken
2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook, and Internet Explorer is an
inextricable part of eChicken.


MAYBE KING GEORGE WASN’T SO BAD AFTER ALL

Can you imagine working at the following Company? This
company has over 500 employees with the following statistics:
– 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
– 7 have been arrested for fraud
– 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
– 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
– 3 have been arrested for assault
– 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
– 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
– 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
– 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
– In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up?

It’s the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same
group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of
new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

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