Humor

Best New Jokes: November 10, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.



ALL WE WANT TO DO IS HAVE A LITTLE FUN IN LIFE

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for maybe five minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes… the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t give a darn. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It’s important at my age.


MORE WAYS TO MAINTAIN YOUR SANITY: At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.


Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.


PRESIDENTIAL RELIEF

Hey, you laughed at all my Clinton jokes for years. Time we moved on…

Three years ago, before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,” he said,” when I am President, I’ll get to have a gold urinal!”

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, “Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”


In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Sexual Favors.”



BUT JUST TO KEEP THINGS ON AN EQUAL FOOTING…

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the Great White Throne. God addresses Al first.

“Al, what do you believe in?”

Gore replies, “Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.”

God thinks for a second and says “Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill replies, “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.”

God thinks for a second and says “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”

God then address Hillary. “Hillary, what do you believe in?”

“I believe you’re in my chair.”


As often as possible, skip rather than walk.


LET’S NOT LEAVE OUT THE POPE

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Minnesota Viking jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Packer Backer from the water, Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there was bitter hatred between Green Bay Packers and Vikings fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, “Who was that?”

“It was the Pope,” one replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”

“Well,” the harpooner said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he doesn’t know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one?”


Finish all your sentences with, “In Accordance with the Prophecy.”


OR THE WILY IRISH

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Father, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


Ask your coworkers to address you by your wrestling Name, “Rock Hard.”


DID YOU KNOW…

The number of physicians in the United States is 700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services).

The number of gun owners in the US is 80 million (yes, 80 million!).

The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.

The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are about 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners

Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has a doctor. Some have more than one!

Please alert everyone you know to this threat. We must ban doctors for the good of humanity.

I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock would cause people to seek medical attention.


When the money comes out the ATM, scream, “I Won! I Won!”


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

Two factory workers were talking.

“I know how to get some time off from work.” said the man. “How do you think you will do that?” said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her…by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

“I’m a light bulb” answered the guy. “I think you need some time off,” said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

“Home. I can’t work in the dark”.


Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.


AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD A POLISH JOKE?

I thought so.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.” The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am.

But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says sheepishly, “Well, no.”

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I’m Polish, just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”


When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, “Run for your lives! They’re loose!!”


NOW THAT YOU’RE FEELING SMUT, TRY THIS ON…

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down to the *


Sing along at the opera.


REAL 9-1-1 CALLS

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

– – – – – – –

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?

Female Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Female Caller: No, I’m wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

– – – – – – –

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it.

– – – – – – –

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What’s the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

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