Humor

Best New Jokes: November 1, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SPECIAL ELECTION ISSUE!!!!

THE STROKE

While visiting his niece, elderly Uncle Geezer had a serious stroke.

The niece drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E. R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid that your uncle’s brain is dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, dear,” cried the niece, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, “We’ve never had a Democrat in the family before.”

Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A: A tourist.


FOOL ME ONCE…

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!”

The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya! Hoya!” The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!”

“Hoya! Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

“I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!” The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!”

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

“Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”

If Patrick Henry thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see it “with” representation.


GOT A LICENSE FOR THAT COMB-OVER?

SOME MEN even use their ear and nose hairs to camouflage their bald spots. Frank wonders, what should he do? A Trump? A Giuliani? A Yul? And who knew comb-overs are patented?


“Mommy, do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon A Time?”
“No, sweetie. Sometimes they start with ‘If Elected, I Will…'”



THE FOURTH WEDDING

A woman walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

“Well,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type of dress are you looking for?”

The bride to be said, “A long, frilly white dress with a veil.”

The sales clerk didn’t know quite what to say but finally said, “Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time…for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?”

“Well”, replied the customer, more than a little put out, “I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride.”

“You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and we have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately.”

“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.

“Well”, said the woman, “he was a REPUBLICAN and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be.”


HURRICANE KERRY

The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Charley, Ivan and Jeanne. The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore highly unpredictable. Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years.

They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry.

Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by being behind a Bush.


ONLY ONE DAY TO GO 

There is one day until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the president of ALL Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let’s all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It’s time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of Senator John Kerry please drive with your headlights ‘ON’ during the day.

If you support President George Bush, please drive with your headlights ‘OFF’ at night.


THE RIDDLE

During his audience with the Queen of England, John Kerry asked, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Can you give me any tips?”

“Well,” the Queen said, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Kerry frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea and said, “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushed a button on the intercom and said, “Please ask Tony Blair to join us.”

Tony Blair entered and asked, “Yes, my Queen?” She smiled and said, “Tony please answer this question. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?” Without a pause he answered, “That would be me.” “Very good,” she said.

When Kerry returned home he asked John Edwards, his vice presidential choice, the same question. “John, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It is not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” Edwards replied. “Let me get back to you on that one.” Edwards asked all his advisors, but none could give him an answer. Finally, in the men’s room, he recognized Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall. He shouts, “Colin, can you answer this question for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?” Colin yells back, “That’s easy. It’s me!” Edwards smiles, and says, “Thanks!”

Edwards rushed back to speak with Kerry. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell.” Kerry got up, stomped over to Edwards and angrily yelled into his face, “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”


HOW THE REPUBLICANS CHEAT

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Kerry returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Kerry comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and says, “I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin’ son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don’t even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.”

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Clinton says to Kerry, “Well, what about it? Is George W. cheatin’?'”

“He sure is, Bill, he’s cutting holes in the ice.”

Sad Statue of Liberty

ALL ABOUT ELECTIONS

The wife of a Canadian ambassador was attending a formal banquet at the American embassy. She was seated next to the ambassador from Japan, and didn’t know how to get a conversation started with him.

Then she thought that politics would be the perfect opening topic.

She asked him: “When did you last have an election?”

The Japanese ambassador looked a bit uncomfortable at this question. Then he whispered to her, “Before bleakfast.”


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

The night before the election, two blondes living in Oklahoma sat on a bench one evening, looking at the moon and talking about Florida in 2000.

One blonde says to the other, “What do you think is farther away……. Florida or the moon”?

The other blonde turns and says, “Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?”


A little boy asked his father, “daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

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