Humor

Best New Jokes: May 24, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

How is it the US government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate but they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country? (Should we give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country?)


THE MAKEOVER

A man was in a terrible auto accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large.
 
The man was sure he would want medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor. 

The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”


HOW TO CLEAN A TOILET

  1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
  2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
  4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a “power wash & rinse.”)
  5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
  6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
  7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely, The Dog


Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.


There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!


SOUTHERNISMS

1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

2. It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.

3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

4. She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.

5. It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

6. My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.

7. This is gooder’n grits.

8. I’ve been busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

9. Happy as a clam at high tide.

10. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.


Everyone seems normal ….. Until you get to know them.


BAPTISM’S MYSTERIES

A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeded to walk into the water and bumped into the preacher. The preacher turned around and, though almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, asked the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk answered, “Yes, I am.” So the preacher grabbed the drunk and dunked him in the water. Then he pulled him up and asked him, “Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replied, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him into the water again, for a little longer.

Then again, he pulled him out and asked, “Have you found Jesus my brother?”

The drunk again answered, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

By this time the preacher was at his wits end so he submerged the drunk once more, and held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his arms and legs, whereupon he pulled him up.

The preacher again asked the drunk, “For the love of God have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and finally said to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”


If God is your copilot … Swap seats !


THE GREY-HAIR BLUES

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Momma, how come all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”


Is it my imagination, or do most people meet the right one after they’ve married the wrong one?


IT’S ONLY LOGICAL

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks” the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little Partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats’ collar too, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replies thoughtfully, ” You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”


Golf is a game in which participants enjoy playing the most difficult lies and lying about the most difficult plays.


THIS WEEK’S BUSH JOKE

One night George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing beside him. Bush looks up and asks, “George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again when he sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving silently around the bedroom. Bush calls out: “Tom, please, what’s the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Respect the Constitution, as I did,” Jefferson advises, and then dims from sight.

The third night sleep still evades Bush. He sees the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush lowers his voice and asks, “Franklin, what’s the best thing I could do to help the country?”

In that golden voice of his, FDR replies, “Help the less fortunate, just as I did,” and then he disappears.

Bush still isn’t sleeping well the fourth night. He tosses and turns, and suddenly another figure moves out of the shadows. It’s the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. “Abe,” Bush pleads, “what’s the best thing I can do right now to help the country?”

Lincoln pauses, then replies, “Go see a play.”


Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear. (Ed’s Fifth Rule of Procrastination)


THIS WEEK’S KERRY JOKE

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Massachusetts farmer whose hand had been caught in a fence while working his livestock, the doctor and the old man were talking about Senator John Kerry possibly being in the White House one day.  The old farmer said, “Well, ya know, that Mr. Kerry is what we call a ‘post  turtle’.” 

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. 

The old man said, “You know. When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.” 

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down so he can crawl away..”.


Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asks, “What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!”

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says … “YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!”


I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.” — Hermann Hesse 1877-1962, Novelist and Poet

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