Humor

Best New Jokes: May 14, 2001

GUARANTEED BEST JOKES

 


Inside every older person
is a young person
wondering what the hell happened.



THE FUNERAL

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the friging wall!”


THIS WEEK’S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a
barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the
blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky deep voice, the
woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know
something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′
tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the woman
sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your
right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously,
Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five
times.”


YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REDNECK WHEN…

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.


ABSTINENCE

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the third couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine
until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”


MAY IS BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH

Did you know that it’s Beautiful Women Month? Well, it is, and that means
all women, your mother, your aunt and sister, that bald chick you saw on the
bus and the little girl on the playground.

Did you know that if shop mannequins were real women they’d be too thin to
menstruate?

There are 3 billion women who don’t look like supermodels and only a few who
do.

Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12.

If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her
proportions.

The average woman weighs 144 lbs and wears between a 9 -14.

One out of every four college-aged women has an eating disorder.

Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they
weigh 23% less.

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing,” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”


THE IMAGES OF MOTHER

04 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
08 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought.
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.


IT’S THE BALL GAME

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, “crushed nuts?” “No” he replied, “it’s just arthritis.


THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN…
(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


JUST TO MAKE CERTAIN THAT EVERYONE IS OFFENDED

A man in a nursing home found a girlfriend there. She would come to his room and they’d watch old movies together. She would slip her hand under his robe and hold his penis.

One day she went to his room and he was gone, greeting him at dinner, she questioned his absence. He said he was sorry but he’d found a new girlfriend.

Is she younger than me? she asked.

No, he replied.

Richer? No. Prettier? No. What’s she got that I haven’t got? she queried.

Parkinson’s, he answered.

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