Humor

Best New Jokes: May 13, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

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THE FLIGHT TO NEW YORK

(MAY’S BLONDE JOKE)

A beautiful young blonde woman boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looked at the seats in coach and then looked into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Since the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty one.

The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in coach. The blonde replied, “I’m young…blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.” Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the “blonde problem”.

The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in coach. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.” The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, so he returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the copilot.

The copilot said that he had a blonde girlfriend, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.

She immediately got up, said “Thank you so much,” hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the coach section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together asked the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replied, “I just told her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”


Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have? –Amy


Dear GOD. Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. –Larry


MODERN MEDICINE

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in this condition?”

The doctor replied, “It will keep the sheet off of his legs.”


Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does “begat” mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison


MOTHER OF ALL THIRSTS

A Saudi diplomat visiting in the United States for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn’t used to the salt in American foods, so he was forever sending his manservant, Abdul, to fetch glasses of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. On this occasion, though, Abdul returned empty-handed.

“Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand Emir.

“A thousand pardons, Oh Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “but, there is a man sitting on the well.”


Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. –Bruce


SOME BULL

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.

They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, He mated 50 times last year.”

They walked a little farther and see another pen with a sign that says, “This bull mated 120 times last year.”

The wife hits her husband and says, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

They walk farther and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, “This Bull mated 365 times last year.”

The wife gets really excited and says “That’s once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

The husband looks at her and said, “Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow.”


Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. –Joyce


UNDERESTIMATION

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: “If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.”

Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken off my panty hose.”


Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. He’s just kidding, isn’t he? –Marsha

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