Best New Jokes: May 10, 2004



MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER: “This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?”

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still should have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Why can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get this junk off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Again with the hat!? Why can’t you  wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

“Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “But it’s your senior photograph! Couldn’t you have done something about your hair?”

MOSES’S JEWISH MOTHER: “That’s a good story!? Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”


“Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.”

“A grandfather is a man grandmother.”

“Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.”

“When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.”

“They don’t say, ‘hurry up.'”

“Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.”

“They wear glasses and funny underwear.”

“They can take their teeth and gums out.”

“They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.”

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. — Mark Twain

I don’t make jokes.
I just watch the government
and report the facts. — Will Rogers


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?

“The Lone Ranger said, “I do, Why?”

The cowboy said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, “I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and begins running circles around Silver.

Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse out side?

“The Lone Ranger stands and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says …..

“Nothing ………. but you left your Injun running!”

Talk is cheap …
except when Congress does it.
— Unknown


Bert and Martha were an elderly couple who had been to the county fair every year for decades. Each year at the fair Bert wanted to ride in the airplane. “No” said Martha. “The airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

Every year Bert said he wanted to ride in the plane, and every year Martha wouldn’t let him, repeating, “Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year, Bert decided he would stand up to Martha.

All these years and he had never ridden in the airplane. “Martha,” Bert said, “We are 85 years old and may not make it another year. I want to ride in the airplane. I don’t care if it costs fifty dollars.”

Martha shot him down again with her usual protest. The pilot of the plane overheard their conversation and made them an offer.

“I tell you what,” said the pilot. “I will take you for a ride in the airplane, and if you can keep quiet the whole time, I won’t charge you for the trip. If you say one thing, the charge is fifty dollars.”

This sounded like a pretty good deal to Bert and Martha, so they went ahead and got into the plane. The pilot, in his best attempt to get them to make noise, flew the plane upside down. He flew up high and dove toward the ground. He did corkscrews, circles, twists and turns. Not a peep out of either of them. He couldn’t believe it.

Upon landing, the pilot turned to Bert and said, “I just can’t believe it! No one has ever flown with me and kept quiet. I thought for sure that last dive would get you to scream out, or say something!”

Bert replied, “I was going to say something when Martha fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The inherent vice of capitalism
is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal
sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill


One day, Jimmy Joe Bob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!?”

“Bobby Sue gave it to me” Bubba replied.

“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Bubba, take whatever you want’.

So I took the truck!”

“Bubba, you’re a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!”

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe
while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain


Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you would like that.”

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me.” On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, “Well, here’s the other thing and I guess you can have it.” “What’s it called?” Eve asked.

“Brains,” God said.

Giving money and power to government is l
ike giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke


A man asked his wife what she’d like for Mother’s Day.

“I’d love to be six again, ” she replied.

On the morning of Mother’s Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “You idiot, I meant my dress size!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Democracy must be something more t
han two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner. — J. James Bovard


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .


A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul. —
George Bernard Shaw


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”

Government is the great fiction, through
which everybody endeavors to live at the
expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat



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