Humor

Best New Jokes: March 5, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


SQUIRRELY PROBLEMS

A small town had two churches, a Presbyterian, a Methodist and a synagogue. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their building. Each had a meeting on how to deal with the problem.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within three days, they were all back in the church.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Jews had their solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.



PUNS OF THE WEEK

Hypothetical Question

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder,

B) suicide, or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall.



WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

New York Times bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: “George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. “He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.”

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

* Moral of the story: Don’t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.



AGE VS. YOUTH

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his hen house. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old man. Time for you to retire!”

The old rooster replies, “Come now, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens in the corner over there?”

The young rooster says, “Beat it! You’re all washed up and I’m Taking over!” The old rooster says, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll race you around the farmhouse, and whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.” The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off After him. They round the front of the house and the young rooster closes the gap. He is only five steps behind the old bird and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to smithereens. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Dangit! Third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.



WHAT GENDER ARE THESE ITEMS?

1. ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

2. SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

3. KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

4. SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

5. COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

6. TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

7. HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it…and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

8. SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

9. WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.

10. SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

11. HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

12. HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

13. REMOTE CONTROL – female… Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider . . . it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying .



RED SHIRT DOG

Upon entering the Casino Poker Card Room, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog wearing Red Shirt asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT dog wearing Red Shirt, folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”



POKER TATTOO

John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he’d gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings.

Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.

John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said “RUSH”.

The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.

Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.

Returning to the nurse’s lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, “I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said “ROYAL FLUSH.”


Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?

A. A chess player moves every now and then.



A TRIFECTA OF FUN AND GAMES JOKES

WIN


BRIDGE CLUB

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”

John’s partner said, “Never mind, it’s the first time since we started playing that I’ve known what the man has in his hand!”


Don’t get me wrong, honey.
I know you are great at endplays but what I really want is foreplay.


PLACE


BLONDS AND BINGO

It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night.

The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3500 in the pot.

The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of “Bingo!” were heard.

The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: “I’ve just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?”

All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: “FREE SPACE!”


SHOW

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF BINGO

1. Thou shall not sit in thy neighbors lucky seat.

2. Thou shall not stare at thy neighbors card.

3. Thou shall not take the Callers name in vain.

4. Thou shall not call false “Bingo”.

5. Thou shall not wish bad luck on thy neighbor.

6. Thou shall not threaten to kill the “Caller”.

7. Thou shall not steal thy husband’s money for Bingo.

8. Thou shall not brag about how much thou hast won.

9. Thou shall not whine about how much thou hast lost.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s winnings.

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