Humor

Best New Jokes: March 31, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Life, Explained

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. –Mark Twain

GOVERNMENT ISSUE

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian Mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber shaved his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him


Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. –Mark Twain


Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with…..


GOLFING WITH THE “LITTLE WOMAN”

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this”, said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!”. I don’t remember much after that.


It’s a very strange name they picked for “Social Security.” For what they actually send you, you can’t afford to be “social” nor can you really feel “secure.”


A REALLY DUMB BLONDE JOKE

WA man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong? “I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says….. (Are you ready for this?)

Are you sure?

This is bad!

You know you could just click off and not read the punch line.

You know you’re gonna be sorry.

Last chance.

OK, here it is.!

It says, Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.


Politicians and diapers have one thing in common….They should both be changed regularly — and for the same reason.


ENOUGH BLONDE JOKES, HOW ABOUT MEN JOKES?

1) How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

2) Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

3) Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.

4) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don’t stop and ask for directions.

5) What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

6) How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

7) What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.

8) Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

9) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don’t know; it has never happened.

10) Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

11) What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

12) When do you care for a man’s company? When he owns it.

13) What are a woman’s four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

14) Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

15) How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.

16) How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

17) What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

18) What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.

19) How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

20) What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They’re married.

21) Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says: “So you would love her.” “But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: “So she would love you.”


Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.


YOU KNOW THE WORLD IS GOING CRAZY WHEN…

The best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
and Germany doesn’t want to go to war.


I’m so depressed… My Doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.


OIL SHORTAGE?

There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there’s a very simple answer… Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, Louisiana, California, and Oklahoma.

Nearly all of our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.


Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES


THE $20 PROPOSITION

A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20—on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man’s hand, along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully whispered … “Clean my house.”


Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


OLD BROTHEL JOKE

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

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