Humor

Best New Jokes: March 3, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SQUIRRELY PROBLEMS

A small town had two churches, a Presbyterian, a Methodist and a synagogue. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their building. Each had a meeting on how to deal with the problem.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within three days, they were all back in the church.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Jews had their solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.


Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, and telling me, “you’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5


PUNS OF THE WEEK

Hypothetical Question

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder,

B) suicide, or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall.

••••••••

CIA Director George Tenet said Wednesday North Korea can reach the West Coast with nuclear-tipped missiles. In case of an attack, people in Los Angeles are instructed to take shelter at Universal Studios. They haven’t had a hit in decades.


“On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, 10


WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

New York Times bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: “George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. “He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.”

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

* Moral of the story: Don’t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.


“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7


AGE VS. YOUTH

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his hen house. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old man. Time for you to retire!”

The old rooster replies, “Come now, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens in the corner over there?”

The young rooster says, “Beat it! You’re all washed up and I’m Taking over!” The old rooster says, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll race you around the farmhouse, and whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.” The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off After him. They round the front of the house and the young rooster closes the gap. He is only five steps behind the old bird and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to smithereens. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Dangit! Third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? “When they’re rich.” Pam, 7


FOR THE REPUBLICANS THIS WEEK

PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale – Which to Buy? Titanic or The Clinton Video

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica…uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary…basically the same thing. 

(OK. I’m sorry. I tried to stop myself. I’m powerless. I promise to attend CJA — Clinton Jokes Anonymous.)


“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.” Anita, 9


AND, FOR THE DEMOCRATS AND OTHER NONBELIEVERS

(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF “IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT…”

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky, Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky, Bomb Iraq.

It’s “pre-emptive non-aggression”, bomb Iraq.
Let’s prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They’ve got weapons we can’t see, And that’s good enough for me
‘Cos it’s all the proof I need, so Bomb Iraq.

If you’re up for re-election, bomb Iraq.
If you’re feeling some dejection, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam’s gone mad, With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad, then Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growing, bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showing, bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy, And hiding that ain’t easy,
And your manhood’s getting queasy, Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has ‘dissed’ us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections, Let’s look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions, Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We’ll call it treason, Let’s make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason, Bomb Iraq.


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? “I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.” Theodore, 8


WHAT GENDER ARE THESE ITEMS?

1. ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

2. SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

3. KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

4. SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

5. COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

6. TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

7. HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it…and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

8. SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

9. WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.

10. SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

11. HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

12. HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

13. REMOTE CONTROL – female… Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider . . . it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying .


QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Going to war without France is like going deer-hunting without an accordion.” – Mel Blount (R-Missouri)


NEW TOOL

The Office of Homeland Security has a new tool to gather information on potential terrorist threats that are being planned using the internet. It is completely unobtrusive, and will start showing up on your browser screens shortly. For a preview of the only change you will notice (unless you write something hostile about the US government)

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