Humor

Best New Jokes: March 22, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SPECIAL REDNECK EDITION


IT’S TRUE…

Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, and a good ol’ boy.


THE TOP 40 THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY…

40: Oh I just couldn’t, hell, she’s only sixteen.
39: I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38: Duct tape won’t fix that.
37: Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36: Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35: We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34: Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33: You can’t feed that to the dog.
32: I thought Graceland was tacky.
31: No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30: Wrestling’s fake.
29: Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
28: We’re Vegetarians.
27: Do you think my gut is too big?
26: I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25: Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24: Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23: Give me the small bag of pork rinds, please.
22: Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21: Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
20: I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19: Trim the fat off the steak.
18: Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.
17: The tires on that truck are too big.
16: I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15: I’ve got it all on the C drive.
14: Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13: Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12: My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11: I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10: Little Debbie snack cakes have too many grams of fat.
09: Checkmate.
08: She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
07: Does the salad bar have bean sprouts.
06: Hey, here’s an episode of Hee Haw? that we haven’t seen.
05: I don’t have a favorite college team.
04: Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03: You All.
02: Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin’.

AND THE #1 STATEMENT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM A REDNECK:

01: Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’ tonight.


Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow– but she can’t touch it ’til she’s 14.


How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink,” the front desk replies, “Go ahead.”


THE GORILLA AND THE REDNECK

A small Wild Animal Park in Upper Michigan acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Heikki , a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Heikki , like most Finns , had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Heikki was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Heikki showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Heikki announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her on the lips.” The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second,” Heikki said, “you must never tell anyone about this.” The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third,” Heikki said, “I want all the offspring to be raised Lutheran .” Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Heikki stated, “You’ve got to give me another week or so to come up with 500 bucks .”


How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.



3 THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT REDNECKS

1. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

2. Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

3. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”


What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Alabama? Documentaries.


Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.


YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REDNECK WHEN…

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.


A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, “Got any ID?” “Bout wut?” says the driver!


TWO REASONS IT’S SO HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.


A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced, they’re STILL brother and sister.


ALABAMA ROAD BLOCK

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Looky thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the labels, stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?” asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, Okay?” said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”


Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


JESUS AND THE REDNECK

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus down there?”

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting at the end of the bar?”

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?”

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!”. The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!”
 


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!


REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

**This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi, and West Virginia. Florida just made the list.


Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books — poof! — up in flames and he hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.

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