Humor

Best New Jokes: March 2, 2008

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

“MONOPOLY” BOARD GAME
UPDATED PLAYING PIECES:

OLD —————— NEW

LITTLE DOG Pit Bull

SHOE Untied, Half-Open Sneaker

FLAT IRON Dry Cleaner’s Bill

RACE CAR Oversized SUV

THIMBLE Foreign Seamstress

TOP HAT Hair Plug


I can see why she likes chess. The king is stationary, the queen has all the power.


ARF!

Tough Dog

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog.

They are astonished and say,”What a clever dog!”

But the man protests, “No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!”


I had dinner with Garry Kasporov. Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt.


Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?

A. A chess player moves every now and then.


RED SHIRT DOG

Upon entering
the Casino Poker Card Room, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog wearing Red Shirt asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT dog wearing Red Shirt, folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”


LOVE LETTER

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool – nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.


POKER TATTOO

John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he’d gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings.

Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.

John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said “RUSH”.

The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.

Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.

Returning to the nurse’s lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, “I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said “ROYAL FLUSH.”

Did you know that more and more doctors aren’t accepting Medicaid, and what you can do about it? Or what happens if you need Medicare far from home? Or that less-costly diabetes drugs are every bit as effective as newer, much more expensive ones?


A TRIFECTA OF FUN AND GAMES JOKES

WIN

BRIDGE CLUB

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”

John’s partner said, “Never mind, it’s the first time since we started playing that I’ve known what the man has in his hand!”


Don’t get me wrong, honey.
I know you are great at endplays but what I really want is foreplay.


PLACE

BLONDS AND BINGO

It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night.

The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3500 in the pot.

The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of “Bingo!” were heard.

The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: “I’ve just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?”

All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: “FREE SPACE!”


There was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o.


SHOW

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF BINGO

1. Thou shall not sit in thy neighbors lucky seat.

2. Thou shall not stare at thy neighbors card.

3. Thou shall not take the Callers name in vain.

4. Thou shall not call false “Bingo”.

5. Thou shall not wish bad luck on thy neighbor.

6. Thou shall not threaten to kill the “Caller”.

7. Thou shall not steal thy husband’s money for Bingo.

8. Thou shall not brag about how much thou hast won.

9. Thou shall not whine about how much thou hast lost.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s winnings.

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