Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They
walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only
container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever
they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their
car, a Baptist minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and
said, “Excuse me, Sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I can’t help
admiring your faith!”
WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so
she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her
husband’s voice was heard answering, “Hello Margaret, this is meeee…”
”Fred,” she answered. I just have to know if you’re happy there in the
afterlife. What’s it like there?”
”Ooooooh, it’s much more beautiful here than I ever imagined,” Fred
answered. “The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much
more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day
long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over.”
”Thank God, you made it to heaven,” his wife cried.
”Heaven?” he answered. “What heaven? I’m a buffalo in Montana.”
There was this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of sudden he sees this
shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks
back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a way off and
he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and he turns to see the
jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in horrific splendor..
The atheist then screams, “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen
and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the
water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you
call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
The atheist, with confusion and knowing he can’t lie, replies, “Well, that’s
true, I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the
shark believe in you?”
The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the
heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close
down on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked,
the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its
head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive.”
At age 4, success is………………………………..not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is ……………………………..having friends.
At age 20, success is………………………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………………………money.
At age 60, success is………………………………having sex.
At age 70, success is………………………………having friends.
At age 80, success is………………………………not peeing your pants.
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes
all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?” asked Bill.
”Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his
19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
”My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.
The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
THE TOP 40 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, HEAR A REDNECK SAY
40: Oh I just couldn’t, hell, she’s only sixteen.
39: I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38: Duct tape won’t fix that.
37: Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36: Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35: We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34: Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33: You can’t feed that to the dog.
32: I thought Graceland was tacky.
31: No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30: Wrestling’s fake.
29: Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
28: We’re Vegetarians.
27: Do you think my gut is too big?
26: I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25: Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24: Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23: Give me the small bag of pork rinds, please.
22: Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21: Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20: I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19: Trim the fat off the steak.
18: Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.
17: The tires on that truck are too big.
16: I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15: I’ve got it all on the C drive.
14: Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13: Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12: My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11: I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10: Little Debbie snack cakes have too many grams of fat.
08: She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
07: Does the salad bar have bean sprouts.
06: Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
05: I don’t have a favorite college team.
04: Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03: You All.
02: Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin’.
AND THE #1 STATEMENT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM A SOUTHERNER:
01: Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
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