Humor

Best New Jokes: June 7, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

SOME QUESTIONS ARE UNANSWERABLE

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”


It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.


HOW TO ADDRESS TERRORISTS

I received this warning about the use of this politically incorrect term. Please try to pay attention to your language!

“Towel Heads”

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not like to be called “Towel Heads.” The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as “little sheet heads.”


Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.


HOW GRANDCHILDREN THINK

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”

One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”

A little kid said, “Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’ Mary.”


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak


SPEAKING OF SEX…

“What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.” – Tom Clancy

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” – Woody Allen

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” – Lynn Lavner

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” – P. J. O’Rourke

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” – George Burns

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Drew Carey

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” – Woody Allen

“If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.” – Overheard at my retirement living facility


It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.


ALWAYS BE NICE TO NURSES

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, ‘but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!” She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”

After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”


Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world?


No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.


THIS WEEK’S JOKE FOR REPUBLICANS

John Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Hannah and says, “What’s in the box, little lady?”

Little Hannah says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”

John Kerry laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”

“Democrats,” says Little Hannah.

“Oh that’s cute,” he says and goes on his way. A couple of days later, John Kerry is running with his buddy Teddy Kennedy and he spies Little Hannah with her box just ahead. Kerry says to Teddy, “You gotta check this out,” and they both jog over to Little Hannah.

Sen. Kerry says, “Look in the box Teddy, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Teddy what kind of kittens they are “

Little Hannah replies, “They’re republicans.”

“Whoa!” John Kerry exclaims in total surprise. “I came by here the other day and you told me they were Democrats. What’s changed?”

“Well,” Little Hannah explains, pointing into the box. “Their eyes are open now.”


Did you know banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said… “HELLLLOWW .. You gotta roll up the windowwwws…”


Did you know the electric chair was invented by a dentist.

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