Humor

Best New Jokes: June 28, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE WAY THINGS GET?

An old couple often forgetting things decided to see a doctor for some help. The doctor said the best thing I know for you to do is write things down and let your notes remind you.

That night Ma asked Pa to fetch her a dish of ice cream.

Ma said you better write it down. Pa said no need to, you want a dish of ice cream. Ma said I would also like some strawberries on the ice cream.

You better write it down, Pa said.

No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries on top.

Then Ma said, “Would you put some whipping cream on it? Write it down.”

Pa said, “No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top.”

Twenty minutes later Pa came back and handed Ma a plate with bacon and eggs.

Ma asked, “Where is the toast?”


OK, so what’s the speed of dark?


DID YOU KNOW…

1. Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.  

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.  

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.  

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.


Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


WORD PLAY

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s,

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.


If you can’t repair your brakes, make your horn louder.


FROM THE FRONT

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please keep your picture and send the rest back.”


When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.


FROM THE HILLS

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux wuz sittin out backa dere trailers shootin deh breeze.

Bou ask Thib, “If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an’ made love to your wife, an’ she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?”

Thib scratched his head for a bit and den sed, “I don’t tink so…but it shore would make us even!”



If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


THIS WEEK’S BEST LAWYER JOKE

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t unnerstand how you can be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big ‘gator, “What you been eatin’ boy?”

“Lawyers, same as you,” replied the small ‘gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ’em?”

“Down at ‘tother side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot of that law firm.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ’em?”

“Well, I crawls up under one of them BMWer’s and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab ’em on the leg, shake the livin crap out of ’em, and then eat ’em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there ain’t nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase.”



99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


HOW TO GET A BIMBO WIFE

Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.   His buddies at the club are all agog.
 
They corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
 
Bob replies, “Girlfriend?  She’s my wife!”
 
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask.  “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”
 
Bob says, “I lied about my age.”
 
His friends respond, “What do you mean?  Did you tell her you were
only 50?”
 
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”


I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKES

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it just died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replies in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!”

EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

She says, “Why officer?”

“Because your breast is hanging out.” he says.

She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!”

KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within a half hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minute s she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

“I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I’m rechecking my answers.”

FINALLY, NAMING THE DOGS! A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HelOOOooo,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”


Statistics have shown that one in four people are mentally challenged. Check out three people you know. If they’re okay, it’s you.

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