Humor

Best New Jokes: June 14, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE TRAIN TRUTH

A man and a woman, who have never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly — he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaimed.

Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket!”

After a moment of silence, he farted.


You’re not a kid anymore
when the service station attendant
lets you pump your gas before paying.


CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
  • Ushers will eat latecomers.
  • Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
  • The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


You’re not a kid anymore
when you can live without sex
but not without your glasses.


You’re not a kid anymore
when you’re proud of your lawnmower.


RYE BREAD WILL COST THOUSANDS ONCE BIG PHARMA FINDS OUT

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery.. As he was looking around, the lady in the bakery asked if he needed help. he said, “Do you have rye bread?”

“Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it, would you like some?”

“I want five loaves.”

She said, “Five loaves! My goodness…it’ll go hard.”


You’re not a kid anymore
when you quit trying to hold in your stomach,
no matter who walks into the room.


MAN’S BEST FRIEND

The scene is a park bench on a sunny afternoon…

Two retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as they seem to be prone to do.

One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”

After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”


You’re not a kid anymore
when you start singing along
with the elevator music.


MAYBE HE SHOULD TRY RYE BREAD

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”

“Nope………..it turned black.”



You’re not a kid anymore
when your best friend is dating someone half their age
AND isn’t breaking any laws.


THIS WEEK’S JOKE FOR DEMOCRATS

An Israeli doctor says…..

“Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says…….
.

“That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says…....

“In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says……..

“You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work.”


You’re not a kid anymore
when you consider coffee
one of the most important things in life.


THIS WEEK’S JOKE FOR REPUBLICANS

YOU CAN BE A DEMOCRAT – Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some necessary prerequisites.

  • You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
  • You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
  • You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
  • You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
  • You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
  • You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried, is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
  • You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.


You’re not a kid anymore
when you start Christmas
shopping in August.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, with her eyes closed, and with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics.

They broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.


You’re not a kid anymore
when you wear black socks
with sandals.

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