Humor

Best New Jokes: June 1, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

101 Positions Cartoon

TWO OLD MEN

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
they needed to visit the Bunny Ranch. When they arrived at the brothel, the
Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her
girls on these two old men. So she used “blow-up” dolls instead.

She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked
or groaned…how was it for you?”

The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

The first man asked, “How’s that?” “Well,” said the second man, “when I
nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”


LET’S BASH BOTH SEXES

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? — 45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? — 45 mins.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? — Sexual Harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? — $3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? — The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? — The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme? — Humpme Dumpme.

What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? — None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? — Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have men and floor tiles have in common? — If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? — Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man’s view of safe sex? –A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry? –“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? – After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? — The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde? — A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? — The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? — The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? — A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? — The blonde, because she’s 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? — When you take it off, you wonder where the breast went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? — Two mothers-in-law.


THE EASIER WAY

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got
older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,
he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally
came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is
I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything
to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like
he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down
the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what
I need, a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman,
“I’d like a new suit.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself
in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and…
16 and a half neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted
the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half wide.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about
a new hat?”

Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see. . . 7 5/8.”

Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure!”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see…
size 36.”

Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head and said, “You can’t wear a size 34
It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one hell of a headache!”


COUNTRY HIT SONGS YOU NEVER HEARD

01. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.
02. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
03. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
04. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
05. Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, The Car Don’t Run, Figure We’re even.
06. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.
07. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
08. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.
09. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.
10. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
11. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here.
12. I Got Tears In My Ears, From Lyin’ On My Back, Cryin’ Over you.
13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
14. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.
15. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).
16. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You.
17. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
18. Please Bypass This Heart.
19. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
20. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.


THIS WEEK’S LAWYER JOKE

A Marriage Made In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder; “Could they possibly get married in Heaven?”

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months…and they discussed if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”

Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”


TIME-HONORED TRUTHS

01. Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
02. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
03. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
04. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
05. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
06. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
07. I doubt, therefore I might be.
08. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
09. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men — they think they’re listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.