BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Q. What do you call a 400-pound woman who has sex with both men and women?
A. A bisexual built for two.
KNOW IT ALL
The preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,… “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”
THE JOY OF SHARING
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could
tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been
through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out
the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to
the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used
to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to
sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their
table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady.
“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it
that you are waiting for?
She answered, “The teeth.”………..
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand the Washington Post.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
THE BIG ONE
President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England.
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands.
It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that’s ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets….I’m sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control”.
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, “You Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought……you know, if you hadn’t said something I would have thought it was one of the horses.”
SMART BLONDE JOKE?
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
AND THEN AGAIN
A blonde goes over to her friends’ house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. “Why are you wearing a Thank God it’s Friday tee-shirt on Monday?”
“Oh rats!” the blonde says, “I thought it meant Tits Go In Front!”
THE JOYS OF BEING MALE
1. Your rear is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. Chocolate is just another snack.
7. You can be president.
8. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
12. You don’t care if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.
13. The world is your urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
16. Same work… more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
20. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
21. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
22. The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected.
23. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
24. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
25. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
And, Finally, . . . . . .
27. One mood, all the time.
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