Humor

Best New Jokes: July 30, 2006

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WARNING!

CONTAINS LETTERMAN’S TOP TEN REASONS GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX


NOTE:

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. (We call it Brain Bloat here at Suddenly Senior.)

So, I’m not fat, I’m just really intelligent and my head was full, so I’ve started filling up the rest of me.


#10 – A below par performance is considered good.


STEAM IRONS?

My dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.

I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something.

I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to “sprinkle” clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.


#9 – You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger
and a couple of beers.


HOW MANY DO YOU REMEMBER?

Headlight dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the firewall.

Real ice boxes.

Pant-leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.


#8 – It’s much easier to find the sweet spot


HOT TO TROT

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. “You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”  

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

So let’s get naked now,” she suggested. So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot looking at you today as they did 50 years ago.” 

He replied, “I’m sure they are – one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”


#7 – Foursomes are encouraged.


DOCTOR VISIT

Bill, in his eighties, is putting on his coat.

His wife Sarah says, “Where are you going?”

Bill says, “I’m going to the doctor.”

Sarah asks, “Are you sick?”

“No” Bill said, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So Sarah gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
 
“Where are you going?” says Bill. 

Sarah replies “I’m going to the doctor, too. If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get me a tetanus shot.” 


#6 – You can still make money doing it as a senior.



#5 – Three times a day is possible.


OLDIE

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year–old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, the corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
 
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”


#4 – Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.


A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE GETTING OLDER JOKES

WIN:

RETIREMENT ENTERTAINMENT

Letter from Wal-Mart 

Dear Mrs. Bates,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. George Bates, has been  causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of  behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping angina of our stores.

We have documented all these incidents with our video  surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are now attending counseling  for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has  created. All of our complaints against Mr. Bates have been compiled and are listed below.

Walter Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Carthage, MO

MEMO

*Re: Mr. George Bates – Complaints* –

15 Things Mr. Bates has done while his wife is shopping:

June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s  carts when they were not looking.

July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go  off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7:
Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the  rest rooms.

July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,  “‘Code 3’ in housewares…” and watched to see what would happen.

August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s  on lay away.

September 14:
Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

September 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other  shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the  bedding department.

September 23:
When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to  cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?'”

October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a  mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, asked  the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly  humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

December 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look”  using different size funnels.

December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed  through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he  fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his  thumb, screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

 (And, last, but not least!)

December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited  several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, “There’s no toilet paper in  here!”


#3 – If you live in Florida, you can do it everyday. 


PLACE:

QUIZ

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with a lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packards
21. Rollerskate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt, but those memories are the best part of my life.


#2 – You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.


SHOW:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 40 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.  My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!   The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess — with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.  I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.   This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!   My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.   Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!  It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.   I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps.  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.  

SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.


#1 – If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it .

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