Best New Jokes: January 22, 2006



Reading these jokes could increase your fear of flying


On my flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, there had been a 45-minute departure delay and everybody on board was ticked.

We made an unexpected stop in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. It was easy to tell he had flown before because his seeing -eye dog lay quietly on the seat beside him throughout flight. 

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour.  Would you like to leave the plane for a while?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe I’ll take my dog off so he can stretch his legs.”

All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the man they thought was the pilot walk off the plane with the seeing-eye dog!  He was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. The flight left with only two passengers, the blind man and his dog.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at an airport
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”  


You really don’t want to hear….

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight-seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock: one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff): Uhhhhh, we have to go back, we, we, uhhhhhh, forgot something.

7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. This is your Captain speaking: These stupid planes are a lot different than the boats I’m used to, so you’ll have to give me some leeway.

9. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

“There may be fifty ways to leave your lover,
but there are only four ways out of this airplane!” 

Cartoon Airplane
On landing, the stewardess said,
“Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure
it’s something we’d like to have.”


Actual calls recorded at an airlines reservation center

A man called and asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”

I said, “No.”

He said “But they look so close on the map.”


Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”


A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York”

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.

The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

“That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight: “Ladies and gentlemen,
if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

The World’s First Fully Computerized Airliner

The world’s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight with out pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically.

The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman,” a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. “Welcome to the debut of the world’s first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong…”

Cartoon Airplane

A flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:
“We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.” 

A couple was traveling on one of those three-engine jetliners. On route to their destination, the engine on the left wing went dead.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the Captain announced, “we’ve just lost power to our port engine, but don’t worry; we still have the starboard and tail engines at full power. We’ll make it safely to our destination, with a two-hour delay.”

A short time later, the engine on the right wing went dead.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the captain announced, “we’ve just lost power to our starboard engine, but don’t worry; we still have the tail engine at full power. We’ll make it safely to our destination, with a four-hour delay.”

The man turned to his wife in disgust and remarked, “If that tail engine goes out, we’ll be up here all day.”

Cartoon Airplane
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation.
In the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore. You may keep the cushions with our compliments.”



After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet that conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem. The airline left a single customer service agent with the monumental task of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said “I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!!”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to help you but I’ve got to help these folks first, then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and made the following announcement “May I have your attention please” she began, her voice echoing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore. “F#&*! YOU..!!!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.”

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at the airline.



One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a flight are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”



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