Humor

Best New Jokes: January 19, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


CELIBACY

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Arch and his wife Kay, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Arch leaned over, touched Kay’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Arch’s life of celibacy.


SURGICAL INSURANCE

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife!”


“There are a number of mechanical devices
which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women,
chief amongst which is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
Lynn Lavne


“Women might be able to fake orgasms,
but men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone


TRIBAL WISDOM

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that:
“When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in corporate America more advanced strategies are often employed…such as:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.
  2. Changing riders.
  3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
  4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
  5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
  6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
  7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
  8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
  9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
  10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
  11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than live horses.
  12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
  13. And of course my favorite………..
  14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position


“Clinton lied.  A man might forget
where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex,
no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush


YOU COULD BE A BUBBA IF…

Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

You have a relative living in your garage.

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You’ve slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.


“Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.” Billy Crystal


INNER PEACE

The article read: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started.”

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished…. and before coming to work this morning, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, my Prozac, some Valium, my cigarettes and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin’ good I feel….


“Instead of getting married again,
I’m going to find a woman I don’t like
and just give her a house.”
Rod Stewart


ST. PETER AND THE RICH GUY

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carryon bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!”


“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man’s genitals
through his wallet.”
Robin Williams


THINGS DIFFICUT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

Good evening officer isn’t it lovely out tonight.

Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

Sorry I’m being such a jackass


“Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation.
The other 8 are unimportant.”
George Burns


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

Blondie Air Lines Flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before.

The blonde pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, “Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I’ve never seen one that short!”

The blonde copilot looked out the windshield. “Wow! You’re right! That’s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?”

“Well we better, were almost out of fuel.”

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then she set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot’s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

“WHEW! That was CLOSE!” yelled the blonde captain. “That runway was SHORT!”

“Yeah!” said the blonde copilot,” and WIDE too!”


“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Camille Paglia


HOT AND COLD SEX

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. “

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old geezer!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!”


“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances
for a date on Saturday night.”
Rodney Dangerfield


A GOOD FRIEND IS LIKE A BRA

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging

Makes You Look Better

And Always Close To Your Heart!!!


“According to a new survey,
women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing
in front of other women.  
They say that women are too judgmental,
whereas, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro


“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Common knowledge

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