Humor

Best New Jokes: January 16, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

HOW EXCITING ARE YOUR DREAMS?
MOST PEOPLE DON’T AIM TOO HIGH AND MISS …..
THEY AIM TOO LOW AND HIT.

ODE TO MY COMPUTER

I asked the Lord to tell me why my house is such a mess?
He asked if I’d been ‘puting, and I had to answer “yes.”

He told me to get off my butt and tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up the smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside and that really did the trick…
I was just admiring my work I really didn’t mean to ‘click.’

But click, I did, and LOL I found A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into it I was into it all night

Nothing’s changed except my mouse, it’s very, very shiny
I guess my house will stay a mess while I sit here on my hiney.


Climax:
Mountain hiker’s hatchet.


PARTING THOUGHT

98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”


Hairdresser’s: A place where
women go to dye.


THREE TERRIBLE TRUTHS

You’re getting a bit over the hill when:

1. People your own age look a lot older to you.

2. You are convinced that you have suddenly developed a snooze button, that works automatically.

3. You only get symptoms where you used to get urges.



Flatulence: Effect of sitting
on your eyeglasses.


WISDOM FOR THE AGES

• Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

• Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

• Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

• Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles.

• Words that soak into your heart are whispered, not yelled.

• Meanness doesn’t happen overnight.

• Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

• Don’t corner something meaner than you.

• You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

• It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

• You can’t unsay cruel words.

• Every path has some puddles.

• Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


Eyebrows: What I do
in a book store


A FROGGY WENT A COURTIN’

A young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

She spotted a box full of frogs with a sign that said “Sex Frogs $20. Complete instructions included. Money Back Guarantee!”

The girl looked around to see if anyone was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.”

As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions carefully:

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog on the bed

Following the instructions exactly, she quickly got into bed with the frog.

Nothing happened. The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset.

She reread the instructions and noticed at the bottom of the paper it said, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.”

She called and was told by the salesman, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes he rang doorbell and was welcomed in.

“See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there,” said the frustrated girl.

The salesman picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes and said “Listen to me froggy. I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”


Violin: Bad hotel.


WEDDED BLISS

The small town’s banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.” The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”

Don’t ever underestimate us old geezers……


Genealogy: The study of wish-granting
residents of brass lamps.


GRANNY GOES CRUISING

Dear Diary:

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening as the Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He is so charming.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made several proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives… twice


Plumber: A drain surgeon


GOING IN FOR A CHECKUP

Thought I’d let my doctor check me,
‘Cause I didn’t feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn’t sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn’t let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn’t feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE !


Bedrock: A popular dance
performed while lying down.


DINING OUT

A cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning.

“A delicacy!” The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation down here! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy”!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”


Romania: Crazy about kayaks.


BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Two friends were playing golf. One pulled out a cigar, but he didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied. He reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12″ lighter.

“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”

“Why, I got it from my genie.”

“You have a genie?” he asked.

“Yes, he’s right here in my golf bag.”

“Could I see him?”

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend then says to the genie, “I’m a good golfing buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”

“Yes I will,” the genie said.

So he asks him for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky darkens and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!”

He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. You don’t really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic, do you?


Pursuit: The cat’s pajamas.


GOING DOWN LIFE’S HIGHWAY

A tour bus driver has a bus full of seniors and as he drove, he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him more peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

Finally the driver asks the little old lady why his passengers do not eat the peanuts themselves.

She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, she and her busmates are not able to chew them.

Why do you buy them then?” he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, ‘We just love the chocolate around them”.


Acute alcoholic:
An attractive drunk.


THIS WEEK‘S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

Fortunately, a beautiful blonde is driving down the highway, sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… “Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.”

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