Humor

Best New Jokes: January 15, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SWIM MEET

There was a swim meet with a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were swimming breaststroke in their competition.

The red head came in first but was neck to neck with the brunette the whole race. The brunette came in second and the blonde came in last but when she got out of the pool she said that wasn’t fair they used their arms.


Accept that some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue.


Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig.



THE CURE

Dr. Johnson was walking down the hall toward his office when he passed Sister Francine walking hurriedly the other direction while saying he rosary very loudly.

His associate, Dr. Wheil, comes around the corner next chuckling to
himself….

“Hey, what’s with Sister Francine? She was just tearing down the hall and
saying her rosary like there was no tomorrow!”

“Aw, I just told her she was pregnant.”

“You’re kidding! Is she really?”

“No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!”


Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. (An alternative to wearing clean underwear.)


YOU MAY BE A VICTIM OF THE MODERN ERA IF…

You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back with “What’s for dinner?”

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor in years.

Your daughter just bought on a CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.


If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


GREAT BUMPER SNICKERS

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

I’m just driving this way to piss you off.

Hang up and drive.

Lord save me from your followers.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Montana — At least our cows are sane!

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?


It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.


AN INTERNIST SPEAKS

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,”
I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.
* * * * * * *

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
* * * * * * * *

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”


My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Brombeck



SO TRUE

Bob was in his usual place in the morning – sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife, Marlene, with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

Marlene replied, “Why thank you, dear!”


Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.


GREAT QUOTATIONS

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
Courtney Cox

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’
Patricia Arquette

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.”
Rev. Jesse Jackson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush



WOMEN’S ATTIRE WAY DOWN SOUTH IN DIXIE

Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front
pocket.

Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon.
Wallet not necessarythat’s what dates are for.


THE VISIT TO THE DOCTOR

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband’s disorder will surely be terminal.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.

And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t
burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.

“Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his strength and health.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re gonna die,” she replied.


When everything’s coming your way,
you’re in the wrong lane.



THE MURDER TRIAL

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicatin guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick:

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!”

He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly.

A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” the lawyer asked. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

“Oh, yes,” the jury foreman replied. “We all looked — but your client
didn’t.”



LEST WE FORGET

“Come the millennium, month 12,
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader.

Nostradamus, 1555


FINALLY, NEVER…

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never pet a burning dog.

Never fry bacon in the nude.

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