Humor

Best New Jokes: January 12, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

I know 3 Jewish mothers who’ve formed a rock group. They’re called The Heavy Meddlers.

SEEN ON T-SHIRTS THIS WEEK…

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

I’m still hot. It just comes in flashes.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

Dangerously under-medicated.

Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to
tell lies at your funeral.


Q. HOW MANY WOMEN WITH PMS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

A. One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.

They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…

I’m sorry…what did you ask me?


JEWISH BUDDHISM: Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.


JEWISH BUDDHISM: There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?


THE DEVIL AND THE GOLFER

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, “OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”


JEWISH BUDDHISM: Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.



REMEMBER THIS, NEXT TIME YOU’RE HOSPITALIZED

A little old woman calling Mt Sinai Hospital says: “Hello darling, I’d  like to  talk to the person who gives information regarding your patients. I want  to know if the patient is doing better, doing as expected, or getting  worse.”

“Do you know the patient’s name and room number?”

“Yes, darling. She is my sister, Sarah Finkel in room 302.”

“Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, blood pressure is fine, blood work is normal and she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a few hours and, if she continues to improve, the doctor will send her home Tuesday afternoon.”

“Thank God! That’s wonderful! That’s fantastic news, darling!”

“From your enthusiasm, I take it you care for your sister a lot.”

“No, I am Sarah Finkel in room 302, and the doctor doesn’t tell anything!”


JEWISH BUDDHISM: To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?


OH, THOSE TEACHERS

At Heathrow Airport, a teacher was arrested trying to board a flight with a compass, protractor and graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!


JEWISH BUDDHISM: Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.


THIS WEEK’S HISTORY LESSON…

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, “You Gotta Be S**ttin’ Me,” came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, “General, I see lights ahead!” They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, “Madam, I’m General George Washington and these are my men. We’re tired, wet, exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort.”

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, “Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?”

Washington replied, “Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.”

And she said………………………


JEWISH BUDDHISM: If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?


THE OLD ROOSTER

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.   The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK old fart,  time for you to retire.”

The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.  Look what it has done to me.  Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”

The young rooster says, “Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.”

The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud.  I will race you around the farmhouse.  Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs.  “You know you don’t stand a chance old man.  So, just to be fair I will give you a head start.”  The old rooster takes off running.  About 15 seconds later the young  rooster takes off running after him.  They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch  when he sees the roosters running by.  He grabs his shotgun and – BOOM –  He blows the young rooster to bits.  The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Dammit…  third gay rooster I bought this month.”

Moral of this story….  Don’t mess with the OLD FARTS – age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!


JEWISH BUDDHISM: Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little s**t on your knee.”


JEWISH BUDDHISM: The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.


GOD’S BILLBOARDS

New billboards are getting attention in Arizona. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here’s a list of all variations of the “God Speaks” billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

  • Let’s meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
  • What part of “Thou Shalt Not…” didn’t you understand? -God
  • C’mon over and bring the kids. -God
  • We need to talk. -God
  • Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer. -God
  • Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
  • That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing… I meant it. -God
  • You think it’s hot here? -God
  • Don’t make me come down there. -God


JEWISH BUDDHISM: Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.


DR. SEUSS & COMPUTERS

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?


JEWISH BUDDHISM: To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.


MIGHT JUST BE TRUE…

The new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Internet surfing will be tracked by the FBI with a non-intrusive method. The FBI says you will notice nothing different.


JEWISH BUDDHISM: Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

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