Humor

Best New Jokes: February 9, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


HUMOR IN UNIFORM

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you worthless morons fall out!”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained standing at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, “Sure were a lot of ’em, huh sir?”


FORKED TONGUE AND THE MOON

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief.

The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

“Watch out for these jerks; they have come to steal your land.”


Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapenos — you never know what’s going to burn your butt.


Napping Without Guilt

For years, I’ve resisted the temptation to sneak off to nap for a half hour or so. Not wanting to appear senior before my time, I put napping up there with drinking before noon and wearing white in winter. It wasn’t worth the guilt. Till now!


Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.


WILL YOU BE SUDDENLY SENIOR’S VALENTINE?

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme  with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.  

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.  

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face  

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not  

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming  

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?  

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.      


I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.


QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I’m going to vote Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth.”

— Monica Lewinsky


My reality check bounced.


ONE FOR THE REPUBLICANS…

Since Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe.

While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks her how she finds out if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair, puts him on speaker ‘phone and asks, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: ‘Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?'”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Gore?”

“Yes, ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning home, he decides he’d better put some of his old friends to the test.

He calls the Reverend Jesse Jackson and says, “Hi, Reverend Jesse, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, Al. What’s on your mind?”

“Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Jesse Jackson hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Gore agrees, and Jackson hangs up.

Jackson, immediately calls members of his gang and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Jackson calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved Jackson rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, “I know the answer! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Gore replies in disgust, “Wrong, it’s Tony Blair!”


On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.


AND, FOR THE DEMOCRATS…

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school class. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.”

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says Bush, “that would be an ACCIDENT.”

A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explains Mr. President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic,” exclaims Bush, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss.”


I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier!


AND A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR BOTH

A universal political bumper sticker…

RUN HILLARY RUN

Democrats put ’em on the rear bumper, Republicans on the front.


THE PRIEST AND THE METER MAID

A priest returns to his car to find a traffic warden (Eng., meaning meter maid) giving him a ticket.

Priest: “Hello there you couldn’t see your way clear to forgetting about that could you, my son?”

TW: “Sorry, father, once I’ve started filling the form in I’ve got to finish.”

Priest: “That’s OK. it’s my fault, for parking in the wrong place.”

TW: “That’s very good of you father. We usually get all kinds of abuse.”

Priest: “Wouldn’t hear of such a thing. After all, it was my fault. We’re having a tea party this weekend. Would you like to come?”

TW: ” Well that is good of you father. Yes, I’ll be there.”

Priest: “Maybe you would like to bring your Mother and Father along as well and I could marry them!”


Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed…”YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”  

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.  

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”  

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


NOT ALL REDNECKS ARE DUMB, EITHER

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. How can we help you?”

“I’m callin’ to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith. He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir!”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave.

A little while later, the phone rings at Billy Bob’s house. “Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yup!” “Did they split the firewood?”

“Yup!”

“Happy Birthday, buddy.”

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