Humor

Best New Jokes: February 6, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

DOG DAY AFTERNOON

A young woman went to see her doctor complaining her new husband was already losing interest in sex.

The doctor told her that it is not serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts and suggested that she crumble some dog biscuits on her husband’s cereal every morning and to bring out the savage beast in him.

The doctor explained that the dog biscuits manufacture includes chemicals in the biscuits for animal behavior that will work on her husband also. He wished her good luck and told her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returned to the doctor, who asked how her husband was. “He’s dead,” she replies.

“Dead?” the doctor asked.

The woman said, “Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.


Borrow money from pessimists.
They don’t expect it back.


AND AT THE VATICANPope making 4 eyes

Two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Seecola, led lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Seecola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Seecola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Seecola asked for a private Session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?”

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Seecola”.


Half the people you know
are below average.


WILL WE EVER LEARN AUSCHWITZ’ LESSONS?

Auschwitz Birkenau Photo

In a bloodstained barrack I stood stunned. My fellow Americans had just shunned me, exiling me in this place where 1.6 million were exiled and killed by similar actions and thought.


42.7% of all statistics
are made up on the spot.


WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN?

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

“Those of my faith,” said the minister, “believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat.”

“We take a different view,” said the priest. “We believe life starts at the moment of conception.”

“Well,” said the rabbi, “it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies.”

ART BY ABEL NAVARRO


A conscience is what hurts
when all your other parts feel so good.


DUST TO DUST

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When confronted, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a gynecologist.”

The proctologist fainted.


I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.


WORLD NEWS REPORT

Antwerp, Belgium, has installed new lights along its waterfront, and they’re so bright they’re generating complaints — from hookers.

“We had some remarks from the prostitutes that there was too much light, both for them and the clients,” says city spokesman Jorn Verbeeck. The city is happy to cooperate.

“We are investigating the possibility of lowering the light there,” he says. (Reuters) …And if that doesn’t work, they’ll try putting red lenses on them.


If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?


POWER OF PRAYER

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.”

Poof! ! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


 If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something


POLISH EYE TEST

A Polish gentleman went to the ophthalmologist who showed him a card, with the letters C Z W X N Q S T A C Z printed on it.

“Can you read this?” he asked

“Read it?” The gentleman replied, “I know the guy!”


Why do they lock gas station restrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?


OOPS!!

Two weeks ago was my 55th birthday and I was pretty down that  morning, about getting another year older. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!” and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy  birthday.  So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning,  Boss.  Happy Birthday!”  And I felt a little better that someone had  remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to  lunch, just you and me.”

We went to lunch. She selected a private little place, and we had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Janet said, “You know, it’s such a   beautiful day.  We don’t need to go back to the office, do we? Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I  think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more   comfortable.”

 She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake — followed by my wife, and  dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there — on the couch —  naked.


I have the body of a god …
Buddha.


DO YOU THINK JEREMIAH WAS BLOND?

Jeremiah had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Jeremiah’s 21st came around, he and his pal Dwight took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

Jeremiah stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned.

Dwight managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Jeremiah went to see his grandmother.

“Grandma,” he asked, “It’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Jeremiah’s eyes and said, “Because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July.”


A clear conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

Because we support equal opportunity: a male blonde joke!

The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.

So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?”

Cowboy says “Well, it’s like this, Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her….and I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt…..So I did….

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…..So I did…

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts…..So I did…

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, Now go to town cowboy….

So here I am.”


If you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.

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