Humor

Best New Jokes: February 5, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

MOM’S ADVICE

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back tofind out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office.

He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your Mom.” she screamed.

“I did,” he said,”And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”


SQUEEZE ‘EM

Dad walks into the market followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is
spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. The boy immediately starts choking and going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the
saucer, neatly folds his newspaper, and places it on the counter. He gets upfrom his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s balls and squeezes gently but firmly.

After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father’s thanks. As he’s about to leave, the father asks one last question:

“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic! What are you, a surgeon or something like that?”

“Oh, good heavens, no” the man replies “I work for the IRS.”


GOLF JOKES

Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself
in that lake.” Caddy: “I don’t think you could keep your head down that
long.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s
distracting!” Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, its a compass!”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.”
Caddy: “I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would-be too much of a
coincidence”


EXPOSED

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her new hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But, madam, you must know that you are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, well anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”


MALE LANGUAGE PATTERNS

“I can’t find it,”
REALLY MEANS, “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“That’s women’s work,”
REALLY MEANS, “It’s dirty, difficult and thankless.”

“Will you marry me?”
REALLY MEANS, “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“It’s a guy thing,”
REALLY MEANS, “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
REALLY MEANS, “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“It would take too long to explain,”
REALLY MEANS, “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately,”
REALLY MEANS, “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“We’re going to be late,”
REALLY MEANS, “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard,”
REALLY MEANS, “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear,”
REALLY MEANS, “Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love,”
REALLY MEANS, “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You expect too much of me,”
REALLY MEANS, “You want me to stay awake.”

“It’s really a good movie,”
REALLY MEANS, “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars,
and naked women.”

“You know how bad my memory is,”
REALLY MEANS, “I remember the words to the theme song of “F Troop”, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your
birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses,”
REALLY MEANS, “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,”
REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house,”
REALLY MEANS, “I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,”
REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“What did I do this time?”
REALLY MEANS, “What did you catch me doing?”

“She’s one of the rabid feminists,”
REALLY MEANS, “She refused to make my coffee.”

“I heard you,”
REALLY MEANS, “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You really look terrific in that outfit,”
REALLY MEANS, “Please don’t try on another outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present,”
REALLY MEANS, “It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.”

“I missed you,”
REALLY MEANS, “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are,”
REALLY MEANS, “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“This relationship is getting too serious,”
REALLY MEANS, “I like you as much as I like my truck.”

“We share the housework,”
REALLY MEANS, “I make the messes. She cleans them up.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions,”
REALLY MEANS, “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”


SECRETS

8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day. “Mommy,” says the little Mary, “how old are you?”

“Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is.”

“Why not?” demands the child.

“Well, that is something you will understand one day when you’re grown-up.”

“Mommy,” asks Mary again, “how much do you weigh?”

“Never mind,” answers the mother.

“Why can’t you tell me?”

“Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday.”

“Mommy,” insists the child, “can you tell me why you and Daddy got
divorced?”

“Darling,” responds the mother in exasperation, “that’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can’t talk about it now.”

A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at
school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems…

“All you have to do is get your mother’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it’ll give you anything you need,”

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into
her mother’s room while her Mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, “I know how old you are! You are 35!”

The motheris very surprised. “And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?” The mother is shocked.

“And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.”

The mother, dumb founded asked, “Why?”

“It’s because you got an F in sex!”


YET ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows
first!”

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.