Humor

Best New Jokes: February 2, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


COLD TURKEY

After a woman gave birth to her baby, the doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. “There is something I must tell you”

“What’s wrong,” the alarmed mother asked?

“Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

“What’s that?”

“It means your baby has both male and female parts.”

“Oh my God, that’s wonderful!” the mother exclaimed. “You mean it has a penis and a brain?”


BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”    

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”    

The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”    

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”    

The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”    

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”    

The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I’ll give you the $2.”

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”    

Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”


Only in America……
can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.


Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.


THE RULES ARE DIFFERENT IN FLORIDA

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says “Old Timer’s Bar ” ” ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS !”.

They look at each other, then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you, what’ll it be, Gentlemen?”

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis — and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 more cents, please.” They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn’t stand it any longer and asks the bartender “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?”

“Here’s my story. I’m a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”

“Wow. That’s quite a story” says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re seniors from Florida, they’re waiting for happy hour.”


Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



FROM MY NEIGHBORHOOD IN RETIREMENTVILLE

I was just settling in to a barber’s chair when I overheard the elderly man next to me say, “I”m not much for pills, but I’m taking Ginkgo-Viagra. I want to remember what sex was like.”


Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


BRASSY HUMOR

“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here.”

“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.

The sailor began reading nervously, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”

The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”


Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put our useless
junk in the garage.


UPDATE!

For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”   Here’s an update for you: Nowadays 80 percent of women are against marriage.  

Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.


Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages
of ten and buns in packages of eight.


ONLY IN AMERICAN ENGLISH

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are…

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.


Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: “But, I don’t have that kind of money. But, I’ll do ANYTHING to get a message to my Mother.”

The man arched his eyebrow (as we would expect) . “Anything?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, anything” the blonde promised.

“Well then, just follow me” said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. “Come in and closed the door” the man said. She did. “Now get down on your knees.” She did. “Now take down my zipper.” She did. “Now go ahead, take it out.” She reached in and grabbed it with both hands …. then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, “Well, go ahead.”

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer …. and while holding it close to her lips she said …. “Hello, Mom can you hear me?”


Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


AND FINALLY, THE PUNSTER STRIKES AGAIN

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse.

In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse even in the dead of night.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

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