Humor

Best New Jokes: December 8, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.


If men got to choose Christmas cards.



THERE’S A LESSON HERE SOMEWHERE

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, your heart would be just below your left breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.


I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


TWO TERRORISTS ARE CHATTING…

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures. “This is my oldest son. He’s a martyr.” “Here’s my second son. He’s a martyr too.”

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”


I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career



INFORMATION TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose a doctor?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories– those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn’t do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $15 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it


Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.


IT ONLY MAKES SENSE

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. 

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition  depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen – had to be girls.

We should’ve known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


DACHSHUND ON SAFARI

A couple went on a camera safari in Africa, taking their dachshund along for company. One day the dachshund discovers that he is lost. Later he sees a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “I’m in deep trouble now,” but then notices some bones on the ground. He immediately settles down to chew on the bones, with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard gathers himself to pounce, he dachshund exclaims loudly, “That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack and slinks off into the trees. “Whew,” he thinks. “That was close. That odd-looking animal nearly had me.”

A monkey sees all this from a nearby tree and decides use his knowledge to trade for protection from the leopard. So off he goes to tell all. The dachshund sees him chasing after the leopard, and figures something may be up.

The monkey catches up with the leopard, fills him in, and strikes his deal. The leopard is chagrined at being made a fool and says, “Monkey, hop on my back and see happens to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back. Instead of running, he sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending not to have seen them.

Just when they’re close enough to hear, the dachshund says, “Where is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard……”


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”


NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three black kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they want.

The first kid says, “I want to go to Disneyland. ”

G.W.B. says, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One.”

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

G.W.B. says, I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your but from drowning!!!”


Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and dumps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I’ll go get some toilet paper.”

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead says, “What’s so funny?”

The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”


Don’t argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.


FRIDAYS FROM HELL

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, “Why so glum?”

The guy responded, “What do you think? I’m in hell!”

“Hell’s not so bad,” the demon said. “We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”

“Sure,” the man said, “I love to drink.”

“Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!”

The guy is astounded. “Damn, that sounds great.”

“You a smoker?” the demon asked.

“You better believe it!”

“You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?”

“Wow, the guy said, “that’s awesome!”

The demon continued. “I bet you like to gamble.”

“Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

“Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow.”

You into drugs?”

The guy said, “Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean . . .”

“That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!”

“Wow,” the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, “I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”

The demon said, “You gay?”

“No.”

“Ooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!”


Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?


ANCIENT ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”


And just remember . . . if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

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