Humor

Best New Jokes: December 27, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

DARWIN (STUPID) AWARDS FOR 2004

Winner of 2004’s Darwin Awards goes to: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, killed himself when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

[San Jose Mercury News]


The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.


REPROGRAM YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE FOR ’05

EXAMPLE: This is the “answering machine” at a mental health hospital:

“Hello, this is the Happy Meadows Mental Health Center.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.”


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.
I think of them as stray eyebrows.



T
hings are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.


A FEW NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
(FOR CATS)

Cat CartoonWhen throwing up, get into a chair quickly. If you can’t manage that, any rug will do. Preferably an oriental or shag.

Determine which guests hate cats and sit on their lap all evening.

Sleep during the daytime so that you can chase your ball with the bell inside from 2 to 4 AM.

When you see someone doing housework, remember to knock something very breakable off shelf or table so they will not run out of things to do..

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.



A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.


NINE THINGS I REALLY HATE

1.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?  

2. People who are willing to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to get up and change the channel manually.  

3. People who say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. People who say “it’s always the last place you look”. Yeah, I tend to stop looking once I’ve found it.

5.When people watching a film say “did you see that?”  Do they think I paid $12 to look at the floor?

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Did they give you a choice?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it?

8. When people say “life is short”. Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
 
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?


Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.


BOB’S BLING

Joe is at work one day when he notices that his coworker Bob is wearing an earring. He knows Bob to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.

Joe walks up to Bob and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings. “Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

Well, I’m curious,” Joe said, “How long have you been wearing an earring?”

Sadly Bob replied, “Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”


My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first is hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.


THE HELL YOU SAY

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?”, Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Been married to your sister for 49 years,” replied the old man with a sigh.


A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
A woman must do what he can’t. .


ALL BETTER NOW

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.

When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged within five minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

“Gave me a longer cane.”


The phrase “working mother” is redundant.


ALIEN INVASION

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station on New Year’s Eve that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump (of course) didn’t respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire.”

The older alien again warned his comrade, “You don’t want to do that. You really don’t want to make him mad!”

“Rubbish,” replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

“What a ferocious creature,” said the young fried one. “It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy,” said the wise old alien. “When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don’t mess with him.”


Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.


FIRST BLOND JOKE FOR THE COMING YEAR

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, “What is going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!”

One of the blondes said, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver.”


Whatever women must do
they must do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good.
Luckily, this is not difficult.


FOR OUR ANIMAL LOVING FRIENDS

POINTS TO PONDER WHEN You’re BORED

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish have no brains.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.



HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

While attending his high school class reunion, a fellow approached a woman he thought he recognized.

“You look like Helen Brown” he said.

Without hesitation she shot back. “Oh yeah? Well let me tell you that you don’t look so damned good in blue either.”


I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

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