Humor

Best New Jokes: December 2, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

You asked for it. Now it’s here. The week’s good, bad and ugly vote recount jokes.


And for all you folks outside Florida. Please don’t blame me for this mess. I think I voted for Nader!



For starters, listen to history buff
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Listen, my children, don’t dare ignore,
The midnight actions of Bush and Gore

In early November, the year ought-ought,
Hard to believe the mess they wrought.

Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
All came down to Palm Beach County.

What result could have been horrider
Than the situation we found in Florider?


Edgar Allen Poe is his usual gloomy self:

Once upon a campaign dreary,
one which left us weak and weary
O’er many a quaint and curious
promise of political lore

While we nodded, nearly napping,
suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping,
energy-zapping to the core

“‘Tis a mess here,” we all muttered,
as the network anchors stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.

Could there be another election w
ith such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection,
yet fraught with tension to the core?

Quoth the ravers, “Nevermore.”

Britain’s Edward Lear’s
limerick is lighter:

There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection –
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.

Ditto Ogden Nash:

I regret to admit that all my
knowledge is
What I learned at Electoral
Colleges,

So tell me please,
though I hate to troubya,
Will the winner be Al,
or will it be Dubya?

Joyce Kilmer’s a media analyst:

I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.

Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:

O’ Captain! My Captain! our
fearful trip’s not done

The ship has weather’d every rack,
but nobody knows who’s won.


Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:

And still of an autumn night they say,
with the White House on the line,

When the campaign’s a ghostly galleon
and both candidates cry, “‘Tis mine!”

When the road is a ribbon of ballots,
all within easy reach,

A highwayman comes riding,
Riding, Riding,

A highwayman comes riding,
and punches two holes in each.

Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:

I cannot count them in a box

I cannot count them with a fox

I cannot count them by computer

I will not with a Roto-Rooter

I cannot count them card-by-card

I will not ’cause it’s way too hard

I cannot count them on my fingers

I will not while suspicion lingers.

I’ll leave the country in a jam –

I can’t count ballots, Sam-I-Am.

Clement Moore adopts a holiday theme:

‘Twas the month before Christmas,
when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.

Which leaves the problem:
Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are raucous is
Start over again, with the Iowa caucuses.


And the quote of the day:

“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
THAT THOSE OLD LADIES
IN PALM BEACH CAN PLAY 15 BINGO
CARDS SIMULTANEOUSLY –
BUT CAN’T PUNCH A BALLOT!”


THE PALM BEACH POKEY

You put your stylus in,
You put your stylus out,
You put your stylus in,
And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That’s what it’s all about!

You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That’s what it’s all about!

You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That’s what it’s all about!

You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That’s what it’s all about!

You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That’s what it’s all about!


NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister
(The Rt. Hon.Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85 percent of you who have
until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the followingrules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Now, look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Now look up “interspersed”.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game.
The 2.15 percent of you who are aware that there is a world outside yourborders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. Youwill no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour likenancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons ifthey give you any merde. The 97.85 percent of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys, and “Merde” is French for “shit”.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. And finally, please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation. God Save the Queen.



AND MORE FLORIDA VOTING HUMOR…

Why do Palm Beach Floridians have T.G.I.F. written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Palm Beach Floridians were driving to Disneyland. After being in thecar for four hours they finally saw a sign that said “Disneyland “Left,” so they turned around and went home.

Why did the Palm Beach Floridian stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said Concentrate.

Why can’t Palm Beach Floridians dial 911?
They can’t find the 11 on the phone!

Two Palm Beach Floridians were standing on either side of a road. One asked the other. “How do I get to the other side?” The other replied, “Stupid, you’re already ON the other side!”

Hear about the Palm Beach Floridian that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the Palm Beach Floridian Ice Hockey Team?They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the Palm Beach Floridian say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!”


An Open Letter to the rest of the country:

Okay, here’s the deal.

We here in Florida have all gotten together and decided to hold the rest ofthe country hostage with the election results until you come and take your parents back home with you! That’s right, we’re tired of hearinghow good it was back home and how beautiful your children are.

We can’ stand it any longer! And, where did they learn to DRIVE? We’re running out of Depends down here and it’s gonna get messy.

You want a president…. we want the speed limit over 20 mph….Is it a deal?

GeorgeW. are you listening? How about you Vice President Gore? You getting this? We need a break.

Quit sending the Canadians down here too! We mean it. We’re not letting the results out. We’ll stall with law suits and claim voter fraud, ANYTHING until you come and take the old farts outta here!!!!!

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.