Humor

Best New Jokes: December 16, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

CHRISTMAS CARDS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and……

Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…


“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” — Jim Bishop


Why did God create alcohol? So stupid people could have sex, too.


SUPREME COURT RULING

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious or constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


It was so cold in the Carolinas last week, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!


READER JOYCE JOHNSON’S FAVORITE JOKE

One day a man spotted an old brass lamp just laying by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed the dirt off of it, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job – a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”

“Okay, sire, your wish is my command,” said the genie. Poof! “And, now you are a housewife.”


Ah, Mozart! He was happily married — but his wife wasn’t. — Victor Borge


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

Bob and his blonde wife live in Prince George County, VA. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
 
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
 
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
 
“We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
 
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park………..”, then the electric power goes out.
 
Bob’s wife says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.”
 
Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time


“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope .


VIRUS WARNING

Here is a new virus going around. Its called the Senile Virus

Symptoms of Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send to wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the


“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.” –Jack Benny


BEFORE IT STARTS…

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!”

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him the beer. When he finished he said, “Quick, another beer. It’s gonna’ start.”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him the beer. When it was gone he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts!”

She blew up, “That’s it, you bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed, “It started.”


Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you
still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs


FUNERAL WISHES

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly. They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven.

The doctor asked the others, “Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, ‘She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'”

The teacher said, “I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, ‘He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'”

Then the lawyer said, “I’d like people to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!'”


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?


ZEN JUDAISM

— Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a nosh.

— Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

— Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn’t work, try small-claims court.

— There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

— The Torah says, “Love they neighbor as thyself.” The Buddha says there is no “self.” So maybe you are off the hook.

— If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

— Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

— Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, warlike nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like “sports doctor.”

— The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.


Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

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