BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
GOTTA KNOW YOUR LIMITS
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you a drink too.”
The woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink this time, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue!”
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone
HOW GEEZERS DRESS: A GUIDE
Many of us of a certain age are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
- A nose ring and bifocals
- Spiked hair and bald spots
- A pierced tongue and dentures
- Miniskirts and support hose
- Ankle bracelets and corn pads
- Speedo’s and cellulite
- A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
- Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
- Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
- Bikinis and liver spots
- Short shorts and varicose veins
- Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . .
- Thongs and Depends
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush
CHINESE BIRTH CONTROL
In 1983, China launched an extensive 12-month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace.
Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to faithfully practice these techniques.
The following year, the program was declared a failure; the birth rate had actually increased.
The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following the birth control techniques:
- 79% of the men were taking the pill every day, and
- 98% of them were carefully putting a condom on their index fingers before sex – Just as demonstrated on TV.
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man would live a long and healthy life.
But Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the double cheeseburger. And McDonald’s said to man, “You want fries with that?”
And man said, “supersize them” and man gained pounds.
And God said, “Try my fresh salad.”
But Satan created ice cream. And man gained pounds.
And God said, I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”
But Satan created steak so big that it needs its own platter. And man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
But Satan created cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels. So man watched others exercise and man gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
But Satan created deep fried potatoes called potato chips and dips in which to plunge them. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in fat and cholesterol, it tasted good, but man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
But Satan controlled the health care system.
(To be continued…)
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?”
“I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Rod Stewart
WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
- The nice men are ugly.
- The handsome men are not nice.
- The handsome and nice men are gay.
- The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
- The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
- The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
- The handsome men without money are after our money.
- The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don’t think we are beautiful enough.
- The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
- The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
- The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ….WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.
“You know ‘that look’ women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin
FOR THE REPUBLICANS…
During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American’s income by $40,000 a year.
Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 for every Indian issue ever introduced.
Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the presidential candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle.
After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle is a bird so full of crap it can’t fly.
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro
FOR THE DEMOCRATS…
One afternoon a wealthy Republican lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men, on all fours alongside the road, eating grass. Disturbed at the site, the lawyer ordered his driver to stop and the lawyer got out to investigate.
The lawyer asked the first man: “Sir, why are you eating the grass.”
The man responded: “We don’t have enough money for food.”
“Well, then,” the lawyer said, “you can come with me to my house.”
“But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. The lawyer turned to the other man and declared, “You can come with us also.”
The second man, pitifully, said: “But, sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.”
“Bring them along, too,” said the lawyer. They all piled into the limousine, which quickly became cramped, despite the roominess of the limousine. As they were proceeding to the lawyer’s house, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said: “Sir, you are too kind for taking us all to your home.”
The lawyer replied, “I’m glad to do it… you`ll love my place, the grass is almost a foot high.”
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” – Lynn Lavner
THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.
“Wow!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma’am?”
“Why, yes officer I’m just fine” the blonde chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….”
“Uh, madam,” the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth.”
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” – George Burns
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK…
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
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